I’ve been asked to, “…say something, meaningful please,” because the last four years have been filled with stagnation, poor trades and fees. And wonderment if, we will finally set this bird free. But I’ve come to realize that nothing will satisfy me, even if I burn this whole thing down it seems. We won’t learn a thing, and die from risking nothing. Fantasy football is all monotony, sprinkled with some moments of unforcing extremes – week after week. Remember, we are all just frightened roosters in a ring, ready to pounce and destroy anything.
Here is the first set of ingredients in this season’s recipe for greatness to whet that appetite for destruction.
NEW OWNERSHIP
We have four (4) new team owners! This will be the biggest change of command to date – but what better way to kick off the 5th season than with some fresh blood.
First in the ring, weighing in at a tight 119, is Andy Bothwell’s dime piece, the bagel supplier herself, Trouble Hunter. The garrison of Hessians will fall. Can I get an AMEN!
Second on the mat is Carver High School’s own Ken Howard, aka The Whiteshadow. Expectations are low, but either way, someone will be feeling some Hill Street Blues by season’s end.
Making his way to the top rope is this year’s draft host, Coco B. Edwards*. Coco is a fantasy football veteran and will definitely increase the value of The Lombardi Three portfolio. I suspect we’ll see better first year results that we got from last season’s pro acquisition, Tannehill for VP. Who?!?
And last but not least, we round out this 4-man freshman class with Jon Bon Jovi superslut, Slippery When Wetzel*. The only thing we know about this mystery owner is his fantasy veteran status and his premonition for 1935 Ohio State running back, Damon “Buzz” Wetzel. I made that shit up…except for the part about Bon Jovi. That shit is real.
*Full disclosure – Coco and Slippery are both new owners, but their fantasy identities are under construction. Standby to standby.
CONSTITUTION
At my annual league owner’s meeting this summer in the Pentagon, new strategies were developed to support increased trade activity and length of service in the league. As a result of this year’s meeting, I bring forth the following. Hear ye, hear ye, as League Commissioner of The Lombardi Three, I place in to law Article 16.1 of The Lombardi Three Constitution.
16.1 – The Long Game: Any team may offer up future draft picks (e.g., 3rd Round Draft Pick) as value for current-year trade proposals and acquisitions. Teams may not offer up future draft picks from seasons two (2) or more years in the future – these must be next year’s draft picks. The future draft order will be manually edited by the League Manager next season. All other trade rules apply in accordance with Article 13.2 of the Constitution.
16.1.1 – The SEC: As soon as any trades involving a future draft pick are accepted, the teams conducting the transaction must provide timely, meaningful and reliable disclosures regarding the trade to the League Manager during the trade rejection window of one (1) day. This provides the rest of the team owners in the league full transparency of the transaction.
16.1.2 – Monomania: Teams may not trade away more than two (2) future draft picks away in a single season. Any team that has traded away a future draft pick will finish next year’s draft with an empty roster spot for each future draft pick appropriated. Teams will immediately be able to fill those empty roster positions with any undrafted, free agents after the draft has completed.
16.1.3 – The Capitalist: Teams that have received future draft picks are reliant on the team that traded away their draft pick participating in next year’s fantasy season. If the team that traded away their future draft pick does not participate, the transaction is void for that year’s draft. If the team that traded away their future draft pick returns to the league in a future season, the transaction is immediately reinstated and the draft pick is forfeited to the original receiving team. Trade transactions involving future draft picks do not expire until they have been executed.
DUES & NEW PAYOUT STRUCTURE
Pay your Dues. It’s easy, I swear. Moving on…
Bernie Sanders and I got together and set the new payout structure for this season. While this design is experimental, it does not deviate too far from the structure we have had in the past where multiple tiers of accomplishment are rewarded, not just the playoff champion.
The new structure pays out all teams that finish at/over .500 for the season at $3/win. The remaining funds, approximately $428, are paid out to the Playoff Champion, Playoff 2nd Place, Playoff 3rd Place, Regular Season Champion, Regular Season 2nd Place, and the team with the Regular Season highest True Coach Ranking. The True Coach Ranking is tabulated throughout the season on NFL.com and measures your performance across four (4) categories – your overall W/L standing; how you breakdown weekly if you played all teams each week; your point differential in fantasy points between your starting and ideal lineup each week; and ultimately your aggregate rank based on these other three (3) categories. Last year our True Coach winner would have been Bagel Time.
Pay your dues. It’s easy, just do it.
Aight fam, put all that shit in the oven and bake at 450 for 35-45 minutes until golden brown. Stay tuned for Draft info including the lottery winner for first overall pick! Hint: it’s not you.
-The Commish
The Lombardi Three 