M’lords – In spite of my woolgathering o’er the tenth month of our makers, I assure you I was barely asleep at my post. As we draw the portieres closed, I take this time to descry the unmentionables.
Each week of the season, the gods (NFL.com) turned around and grabbed their ankles for their corporate overlords from Snickers, Tostitos and the KFC. If they put half the consideration in to the details of our draft as they did for these stale, banausic, bandwidth sucking citations, we would not be the homeless fantasy platform refugees we are. We are fantasy footballers without an island! Yet, I assure you that you are not uncared for. I will find us a home. The Lambda house at Adams College has space for most of us.
Back to the business at hand. This year’s unmentionables include:
The Snickers Hungriest Bench Award
Benching the top performing player that week.
UnLockin Yo Schtuff (won 5 times)
*Mind you, UYS had the top two QBs in the league. He was getting this shit for not playing the other guy, who also put up 40 points each week. Fuck man, I’d have a hard time deciding between Ryan and Rodgers each week too.
The Tostitos Unreal Combinations Award
Highest scoring two-player combination that week.
RGIII’s Company (won 4 times)
*This one is essentially inconsequential because the NFL.com algorithm was counting players on the bench. Stupid fucking programmers.
The Colonel’s KFC Golden Bucket Award
The team that leaves the most points on the bench that week.
Reason to Kerrigan (won 5 times)
*Again, this is babyfood coding. It’s counting the TOTAL points left on the bench, not the differential between your actual and ideal lineup. Nugatory my friends, nugatory.
The Top Player Award
The team that has the top scoring player that week.
Four teams hit this twice, and the rest of us each hit it once, with the exception of Reason to Kerrigan and Lake Hickory Swallops.
*I like this one. Makes sense, and as we see, almost everyone had a big week from one of our assets. This was 85.7% inspiring.
The Lombardi Three 