There are two weeks left in the regular season and two teams left vying for the regular season championship title. Will Davante’s Inferno hit the metaphorical turkey* with his third regular season title, or will bunkmate SKOLya’gain win two in a row to rattle the league standings and grab the #1 spot in the playoffs? Think you’re in the running Whitey? Think not. There’s only two ways this plays out, and only one of the aforementioned teams is going to take the top spot.
*This was a poor illustrative stab at the 3-strike bowling turkey and an obvious fondling of this week’s thanksgiving day sacrament. Not my best content, but I’ll make it up to you with a free Bench Swap if you (1) go bowling on thanksgiving day, (2) with a family member, (3) roll a turkey, and (4) provide evidence for all of the above on said day. I want a fucking newspaper in that photographic confirmation, hostage-style. This is real.
Week 13 Schedule
Getting back to how this regular season plays out – please remember how we set up the schedule as a 12-team league, as outlined in the Constitution.
Week 1 is Rivalry Week – the schedule is manually set to rematch the team you played in the final game last season.
Weeks 2 through 12 – the schedule is randomly set by Yahoo to play each of your 11 opponents over this 11-week span.
Week 13 – the schedule is manually set to play the team directly next to you in the league standings, e.g., #1 plays #2, #3 plays #4, and so on.
Quite ironically, in Week 12, the current #1 and #2 teams in the league standings will duel. Here’s how this plays out:
Scenario 1: Davante’s Inferno wins, and SKOLya’gain loses. Davante’s Inferno locks in the regular season championship and #1 spot. IF Whitey Ford’s team also wins his matchup in Week 12, he ends up facing Davante’s Inferno in Week 13, but whatever the outcome of that matchup is, the standings won’t change.
Scenario 2: SKOLya’gain wins, and Davante’s Inferno loses. This will further lock both teams in the #1 and #2 spots, and create a rematch in Week 13, where SKOLya’gain can appropriate the regular season championship in a sweep.
Alternate scenarios exist where both SKOLya’gain, and Whitey Ford’s Team both lose a game, and the 4 teams at 6-5 can make a play at the #2 spot in the playoffs. There are 6 teams only a game apart, so this is still anyone’s game. No matter what your head-to-head record is with someone, the tiebreaker for teams with the same record is total points. That is what will determine your final standings in the playoffs.
C.R.E.A.M.
Cash Rules Everything Around Me, except when other asset classes provide higher risk-adjusted yields. NO ONE’s season is over. Everyone has at least three wins, and there are five more games left, including the playoffs. That means EVERYONE still has an opportunity to cash ($3/win for all records at or above .500). Even if you don’t yield eight wins and a cash out, you can still win the consolation bracket and a guaranteed #4 spot in the draft next season. There’s plenty to keep playing for.
Le’Veon Bell
Die slow you overprivileged fuck.
League Leaders
QB – Tannehill4President (Jared Goff, 53.95 points, Week 4)
WR – SKOLya’gain (Tyreek Hill, 47.05 points, Week 1)
RB – Reason to Kerrigan (Alvin Kamara, 43.10 points, Week 1)
TE – Trouble Hunter (Zach Ertz, 40.50 points, Week 10)
K – The Brady Bundchen (Stephen Gostkowski, 22.00 points, Week 6)
DEF – SKOLya’gain (Baltimore, 61.50 points, Week 6)
LB – SKOLya’gain (Cory Littleton, 20.00 points, Week 7)
Single Game – Reason to Kerrigan (234.30 points, Week 8)
The Lombardi Three 