The final week of our seventh season is upon us. This time next week, there will be a new champion. A fitting final as our league has, still, never had a #1 or #2 seed win the championship. What can I say? The masses love an underdog, and they have a special fondness for the expiration of their corporate overlord.
This will be the third time in our seven years that the #6 and # 8 seeds faceoff, and the fifth time the #6 seed gets a shot at the title, however, the #6 seeds are 1-3 in the last four title matches.
Reason to Kerrigan (#6) enters the finals on a hot streak averaging 188.30 points per contest. This is tremendous considering our weekly output hit a new low each of the last three weeks. As a league, we hit bottom in Week 15 at a measly 1,703.30 points. This is our lowest output of the last 95 weeks. You’d have to go back to 2012 to find a collective performance this low.
It seems RTK was the only team immune from this lack of production across the league. He blew through the #3 and #2 seeds and set a new single-game WR record in Week 14 when Amari Cooper put up 49.70 points on 10 catches for 217 yards and 3 TDs.
The Brady Bundchen (#8) sneaks in to the finals averaging 148.43 points in the playoffs, and a steady 148.31 through the last seven weeks. He squeaked by the #1 seed in the final one minute and seventeen seconds of Week 14 when Dalvin Cook scored a meaningless, garbage-time TD late Monday night in Minnesota’s loss to Seattle. Davante’s Inferno squandered his third straight #1 spot in the first week of the playoffs putting up his lowest output of the season by more than 16 points. (insert tiny violin)
The Brady’s met the season average in Week 15 to knock out Trouble Hunter (#5), but little did he know that Bagel Time gifted him a boon of Monday night bounty (and laterally jinxed his lady friend) by texting psalms and salutations before the results were in. Bagel Time texts are the fantasy football kiss of death. He voodoo’d and hoodoo’d his own team all season with his bullshit premature digital ejaculations. The way things look, TBB will need some black magic to compete with RTK, so text away Bagel – I’ll send you Brady’s number.
PAYDAY
The League Dues table has been updated to show the current locks on cash. Bagel Time is the only team left with a chance to cash on wins. BYE weeks do not count towards your win %. We set this standard at the conclusion of the 2016 season. See the PAYDAY post.
That said, anywhere from 4 to 11 more wins will be added to the Wins column at the conclusion of Week 16. As we add Wins to the column, this eats away at the % of Remaining for bonuses. I have included what the Playoff Champ Bonus will be based on each potential scenario.
4: Bagel Time loses. The other 4 teams in the playoffs will add a single win to their totals. (Playoff Champion Bonus = $176)
11: Bagel Time wins. We add all 8 of Bagel Time’s wins to the total, plus the other 3 winners in the playoffs add a single win to their totals. (Playoff Champion Bonus = $166)
So, for those of you already in the cash on Wins or a Bonus, you are kinda rooting for Bagel Time to lose. #DrawbridgeUp
NIT
I don’t know what you four are seeing online, but once again, I see no ‘consolation brackets’ via Yahoo. Not really sure what I’m doing wrong here. Either way, I’ve become really proficient at counting and drawing little brackets offline, so here you go. With the results that close in Week 15, Tanny and Filthy will have to sweat it a couple more hours as Stat Corrections trickle in. #PuckerUp
Christian’s Brothers (#9) is one of the best teams in the league and his season has been nothing short of tragic. He is averaging 195.53 points per over the last two weeks, and a league-leading 182.08 over the last six weeks. He’s won 5 straight over this same span and STILL didn’t make the playoffs. Had his schedule been a hair different, he could easily be one game short of perfect on the season and a lock in the playoff finals. This has got to be the biggest calamity, the baddest beat, the utmost misfortune I’ve ever seen go down in all our years of this fantasy fatuity. We have to fix this, and I have an idea how.
Next season will be filled with terms like “rotisserie” and “points table” and “12-team playoffs” and “protection clause.” More to come…
League Leaders (Including Playoffs)
QB – Tannehill4President (Jared Goff, 53.95 points, Week 4)
WR – Reason to Kerrigan (Amari Cooper, 49.70 points, Week 14)
RB – Christian’s Brothers (Christian McCaffrey, 43.70 points, Week 12)
TE – Trouble Hunter (Zach Ertz, 40.50 points, Week 10)
K (TIE) – The Brady Bundchen (Stephen Gostkowski, 22.00 points, Week 6) and Davante’s Inferno (Ka’imi Fairbairn, 22.00 points, Week 15)
DEF – SKOLya’gain (Baltimore, 61.50 points, Week 6)
LB – Reason to Kerrigan (Bobby Wagner, 31.45 points, Week 13)
Single Game – Reason to Kerrigan (234.30 points, Week 8)
Win Streak (TIE) – Davante’s inferno (+5 Weeks 5-9) and Wanted Dez or Alive (+5 Weeks 5-9) and Whitey Ford’s Team (+5 Weeks 10-14)
The Lombardi Three 