I’ve been distant, I know. I do feel dirty, and I owe it to Reason to Kerrigan to post up this week. I mean, he is one of my three readers and apparently his sexy teacher girlfriend reads this shit to him in bed. What can I say? Lombardi Three musings warms the buns in my oven too; even if this season feels like a flick on the cherries, personally.
I flipped a bitch, turned this cherry out, and put on my fuck me pumps, but nothing seems to help me get that sexy back. This pseudo-intellectual is in perfection paralysis and needs to figure out how to turn this car crash into longboarding on Barbie’s fun beach.
For RTK this has been a utopian underwear party, hosted by the New England Patriots defense. His Pats defense has averaged a backbreaking 42.59 points per week, and has accounted for 26 sacks, 18 interceptions, and 7 forced fumbles through Week 7. I don’t want to be the league skeet extinguisher, but the analizer Bill Belichick and his sphincterocracy of a football team once again play the weakest schedule in the weakest, white-belt conference in the sport, and will Katie Holmes their way, unabated, to another Super Bowl matchup. Get it? Katie Holmes. Cruise. The other half of the league (the gridiron war counsel, aka, the NFC) will tear itself apart for a shot at the pineapple juice.
Speaking of NFC, two ends of the spectrum face each other in our mid-week matchup. Purple Jesus will likely deliver the scripture to RTK’s godless Redskins tonight, but hopefully this little pre-recital will lift his Cooley-high spirits nonetheless.
Congrats on a season played to date my friend. You have a deathgrip on the Regular Season Championship, a #1 seed in the playoffs, and a hefty bag of thong-dollaz. We all wish you the good disaster-tastrophe fistfucking you deserve, followed by the shit end of the stick. See you in Lambeau for Round 2 of the NFC North brownhouse kick.
A breakdown of current playoff standings and updates to League Leaders are below. Of note – the ‘Benefit’ column of the standings shows how this season’s format has properly adjusted the standings compared to the traditional, random, weekly matchup standings. For example, under these modified standings, Trouble Hunter is actually in 7th Place, versus the schedule-based 11th Place record (+4 benefit). On the other side of the table SKOLya’gain and UnLockin Yo Schtuff, both belong in the 9th Place and 10th Place spots, respectively (-4 benefit). If we played under the normal format, these two teams would have lucked in to the 5th Place and 6th Place seeds. This. Is. Working. Nuff said.
Talk Hard. -HHH
League Leaders (Through Week 7)
QB – Trouble Hunter (Deshaun Watson HOU, 58.00 points, Week 5)
RB – Filthadelphia (Christian McCaffrey CAR, 47.70 points, Week 5)
WR – SKOLya’gain (Will Fuller HOU, 52.70 points, Week 5)
TE – Reason to Kerrigan (Darren Waller OAK, 31.60 points, Week 7)
K (TIE) – UnLockin Yo Schtuff (Harrison Butker KC, 17.00 points, Week 1) and
Filthadelphia (Stephen Gostkowski NE, 17.00 points, Week 1)
DEF – The Brady Bundchen (Eagles PHI, 64.95 points, Week 5)
LB – The Whiteshadow (Cory Littleton LAR, 21.90 points, Week 1)
Single Game – Reason to Kerrigan (234.00 points, Week 3)
The Lombardi Three 