Cue the drone academy fight song, and the next guy up in 2020. With the exception of that jammy bastard Filthydelphia, the injury bug has crawled its way in to every bunk in our berth, every davenport in our den, and every sack in our saddle. We’ve already lost four 1st rounders to injury including picks #1 and #2, with Coming Tua America suffering injuries to his top three draft picks. By the way, “that jammy bastard” is British English for “that lucky asshole.”
Our Ball Gazer finale ended with Glass is Half Fuller tasting that sweet sugar this week as the last squad to earn a bench swap this season. The Bengals-Eagles game ended in a tie, so we divert to the 78% win percentage requirement, vice the 13-win benchmark per the Constitution. A half-point was given to everyone who picked either one of these teams. A half-point was also deducted just to frustrate the lower reading group in our league and becloud the rest of you. Looking forward to your texts…
Bench Swap Log has been updated. This is your unremitting, annual reminder that once you earn a bench swap, you don’t need to submit for the remaining weeks…unless you long for the personal freedom to embarrass yourself. As predicted, for all those teams that earned a bench swap last week, this week’s results proved what a frivolous run of luck it was for most involved. At least Bagel Time and SKOLya’gain saved themselves the shame and self-reproach. Week 3 results are as follows.
12.5 – 3.5 (78%)
Glass is Half Fuller
aka The Deviant Recovery Network
11.5 – 4.5 (72%)
Davante’s Inferno (NR)
Hot Chubb Time Machine (NR)
aka The Buick Commission
10.5 – 5.5 (66%)
Coming Tua America
aka The Red Bull of Juarez
9.5 – 6.5 (59%)
Filthydelphia (NR)
aka The Wardialer
8.5 – 7.5 (53%)
Family Jules
Lockin UWL (NR)
aka Yoncopin
0-16 (0%)
Operation Warp Speed
Team Wren
Wanted Dez or Alive
aka The Misguided Men of Flomaton
Not Required (NR)
Bagel Time
SKOLya’gain
aka The Chiriacho Summit
Highlights
- We all had the Patriots, Browns, and Buccaneers in the win column. One of these W’s was offset by our consensus Chargers pick. No one in America had the Panthers winning that game, which is a little surprising because there was a time in the not too distant past when the Chargers didn’t know which end of the field the end zone was in.
- Lockin UWL was the only squad that thought the Rams would defeat Josh Allen on his home turf. Shame on him for picking the Saints over his hometown Packers too. He doesn’t get access to the inner circle with that bullshit. Filthy was the only team that thought the winless Texans would beat Big Ben Bratwurst Butt and a well-fed Steelers team at home.
- Coming Tua America is still the only shareholder all-in on the Cowboys being a real football team and he doubled-down this week on Jerry’s World and the Dallas Cow Pies, in Seattle, against Russ the Destroyer. C’mon, man.
- Lastly, Family Jules was the only squad to swing and miss on the Vikings, Jets, and Ravens. He was also the only squad to correctly pick the Bears and Lions. He sure showed us…
We distributed 67% in dividends this season, 89% if you only take the teams that participated in to consideration. You had an 89% chance to win a bench swap this season, just for trying. I’ll take those odds any day. Eight team owners this season earned a key weapon in boosting their end of regular season results.
Of note, one of teams that earned a bench swap in Week 2 would have earned one on the season anyway if he missed the Week 2 benchmark by one game. Remember, even if you don’t hit the minimum benchmark in Weeks 1-3, you can still shoot for the 70% overall benchmark for all three weeks combined. You can earn a bench swap via that route too. You’ll have to wait for next year though – unless Hot Chubb wants to let you borrow his whip. Season results as follows.
League Standings through Week 3
This is why we do this. There will be no scum. Glass is Half Fuller has already suffered two ill-fated matchup losses after putting up top four scores. He lost to one of only two teams that outscored him in Week 1, and again lost in Week 3 to one of only three teams that outscored him. On the other end of the spectrum Family Jules struck fools gold twice already in Weeks 1 and 2 inflating his ESPN league standings by four spots as compared to our playoff rankings. Actual standings through Week 3 below.
League High Scores through Week 3
- TQB – Bagel Time (49.95 points, Week 3, Seattle Seahawks)
- RB – Davante’s Inferno (45.60 points, Week 2, Aaron Jones)
- WR – Davante’s Inferno (41.60 points, Week 1, Davante Adams)
- TE – Team wren (28.40 points, Week 2, Tyler Higbee)
- LB – Glass is Half Fuller (14.00 points, Week 2, Jaylon Smith)
- DEF – Bagel Time (32.30 points, Week 2 Pittsburgh Steelers)
- K – Davante’s Inferno (17.00 points, Week 2, Youghoe Koo)
- Weekly High Score – Lockin UWL (223.00 points, Week 2)
The Lombardi Three 