[Thursday, September 3rd at 7:09pm.]
Lockin UWL (picks up phone): Hello?
Commish: Ben.
Lockin UWL: Hey-yah buddy. (thick Wisconsin accent)
Commish: Draft started. What are you doing?
Lockin UWL: I’m down in WauKAAHsha with my dad. We just pulled tha boat out of tha water.
Commish: Well, the draft’s going on. Pull your head out of your ass. You auto-drafted Michael Thomas with your first pick.
Lockin UWL: Oh yah, huh. Well let me see if I…..
This back-and-forth carried on a few short rounds of the September draft clock, highlighted by husky “yah’s” and emphasized “oh’s.” It helps the imagination if you are wearing a Packers parka, Badgers gloves, holding an Old Style in one hand, and hand-cranking a fishing boat up on to its trailer with the other.
*Lockin UWL may not concur with the author’s recollection of the moment, but SKOLya’gain was witness to the conversation. Facts are facts.
This is in no way an attempt at making fun of the Wes-SCAAAAN-sin accent, but a show of respect to the green and gold bloodline that just won this year’s championship. And we need to memorialize this moment accordingly. Don’t forget, this is a dedicated Green Bay Packer themed fantasy football league.
Who is Lockin UWL by the way? He has never attended any of the draft parties or boys weekends or invited us fishing.
Ben is the first cousin and lifetime friend of the League Commissioner. He hails from Holmen, Wisconsin just north of La Crosse on the Mississippi River separating the state from Minnesota to the west. He was previously employed as a locksmith for the University of Wisconsin La Crosse (UWL); hence the team name. After a few years of unlockin’ dorm rooms and Honda Civics for the Lady Eagles, Ben developed quite the reputation as a poonman. Nicknames heard around campus included Ben Kenobi, Ben Assfleck, Benjamin 4 Hands, The Hurt Locker, The Box Locker, Reverend Hotsimodo, and The Polish Tailgate, to name a few. After dodging a handful of negative paternity tests, Ben decided to quit while he was ahead and turn over the keys to his UWL golf cart. His lady wasn’t having any more of that shit either, and needed to see some returns on these TL3 investments once and for all. So Ben went solo and opened his own Locksmith operation serving La Crosse and the greater area. If you are ever in town and need a safe cracked, night-shopping for a new ride on the cheap, or just need to know where the UWL Ladies Tennis team resides, Big Ben’s your man.
*Lockin UWL may not concur with the author’s recollection of his status at the University but, you know, every time someone lifts someone else up in this world, there’s always some asshole trying to drag him back down.
In all seriousness, Ben is as honest a family man and as hard-working as they come. He is an indefectible American and quintessential Wisconsinite. He’s one of five remaining veterans in the league, has the second highest win percentage among active players, and has never used any of the gazillion bench swaps he has earned. No one deserves the 2020 Championship trophy more than him. Congrats Big Ben! Looking forward to the next time we are in the dairyland combing the UWL parking lot – trophies ridin’ shotgun – a 24-pack of Leinie’s deep. Let’s steal a car.
The League Dues page has been updated to show the breakdown of winnings paid out this season. If you haven’t received any cash yet, it’s not a mistake. You didn’t win anything.
The League History page has been updated with the results of the 2020 season. There were a few unmemorable shifts in historical win percentage among the center of the party with the collective dancing around that 51 to 52 percent win rate. Then there were a few mentionables. After two tremendous (payday) seasons, Filthydelphia moves up five spots to claim the 4th highest win percentage among active franchises and gets himself out of the red, money-wise. Only half the league can claim to be making any money off of this shit. Dude definitely caught the bug too. Best guess is those net earnings are being offset by whatever ‘Roto’ platform he is subscribing to in order to help analyze/manage his draft, waiver wire, and weekly lineup decisions. Don’t fret big dawg, we’ve all tested the waters and dropped some coin at some point in our careers to get that Rodgers Rate. Team wren dropped five spots among active franchises after two years of sub-.500 showings, and Hot Chubb Time Machine chronicles his rookie season as the worst franchise to ever set foot on our hallowed ground. Wanted Dez or Alive has hit bottom two of four seasons now with only three wins in each. It’s hard to criticize when he is literally paying our rent, although, four league violations in Weeks 9-12 do not bode well for a future in The Lombardi Three. This is America though, see the League Dues page for information on how to make donations and campaign contributions.
Next season is our ten-year anniversary. Set your expectations high. The Constitution will be rewritten. The way we do the Draft Order will change. This all assuming President and Civil War hero Joe Biden gets the players vaccinated by the start of the 2021 season. Till then, be safe, stay sane, and soak in some words of wisdom from our champion Lockin UWL, “When the commissioner is calling, pick up the phone.”
Single Game Stat Leaders 2020
TQB – Team wren (62.05 points, Week 16, Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
RB – Filthydelphia (56.20 points, Week 16, Alvin Kamara)
WR – Wanted Dez or Alive (57.90 points, Week 12, Tyreek Hill)
TE – SKOLya’gain (45.00 points, Week 13, Darren Waller)
LB – Operation Warp Speed (22.00 points, Week 5, Patrick Queen)
DEF – Davante’s Inferno (42.40 points, Week 7, Kansas City Chiefs)
K – Filthydelphia (21.00 points, Week 12, Younghoe Koo)
Weekly High Score – Lockin UWL (223.00 points, Week 2)
Season Position Leaders 2020
TQB – Davante’s Inferno (542.05 points, Buffalo Bills)
RB – Filthydelphia (384.20 points, Alvin Kamara)
WR – Davante’s Inferno (360.40 points, Davante Adams)
TE – Lockin UWL (314.80 points, Travis Kelce)
LB – Davante’s Inferno (172.00 points, Zach Cunningham)
DEF – Hot Chubb Time Machine (345.30 points, Indianapolis Colts)
K – Davante’s Inferno (169.00 points, Jason Sanders)
Season High Score – Filthydelphia (2,678.20 points)
The Lombardi Three 