Ken Elton Kesey was an American novelist, essayist and countercultural figure. He was considered a link between the Beat Generation of the 1950s and the hippies of the 1960s. He wrote One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest in 1960, which was an immediate commercial and critical success and was made in to one of only three films in Oscar history to take home every major award. During this same period, Kesey was participating in government studies involving hallucinogenic drugs (including mescaline and LSD) to supplement his income. Dude was an MK-Ultra OG.
The only relevant football connection I could make to this personal hero of mine was his football scholarship at the University of Oregon. However, he never played football at Oregon and ended up switching to wrestling, as it was a better fit for his build. Can you imagine this dude in Ducks spandex absolutely tooled up on horse tranquilizers and psychoactives? My god, what a time to be alive.
This character is relevant nonetheless because, frankly, it seems like some of you motherfuckers are on drugs. We have been quite bearish over the years on the trade market, but this latest trend is bordering on compulsive. And at the center of this pandemonium all season has been one CONfidence MAN taking advantage of every one of you.
Let me guess – your star players are on the decline, or have a tough schedule coming up, and all his players being offered are on the rise, about to come off injury, and prime to blow up. This huckster threw so much crap out there that once something of minimal value presented itself, it sparkled like unicorn shit in comparison to all the horrendous hogshit in front of it.
“Unicorn shit is still shit.” -Lambeau Calrissian
This is classic real estate tactics – show them all the repelling, unsellable homes first, that way you jump on the first one that looks halfway decent. Lambeau Calrissian was a hotel broker in another life – this gambit is in the 101 handbook. Let’s take a look at the 13 trades we’ve executed this season to date.
- Trade 1 was pretty even from a draft basis (both inducted in the 8th round), but the end results varied. Unused through the first few weeks, this was an honest investment by both teams looking for future value. Both ended up being traded but Chubby got the best bang for the buck.
- Trade 2 has been a blood bath and not the only occasion where Hot Chubb has gotten one over on our resident dirty-bird. Amon-Ra was playing too well in the first few weeks to let go for one productive week out of six for Gabe Davis. To be fair, Hollywood Brown may finally be breathing actual air.
- Trade 3 was a rules breach and violated Amendment 2.3.3 BACKSIES of our Constitution. UWLtoDISNEY probably didn’t know he was violating this rule – I mean, the guy had no idea that we were playing under a Vampire format as of two weeks ago. See league chat.
- Trade 4 in Week 9 looks like Chubby finally misfired on paper, but this was clearly a maneuver to get Kenneth Walker for future trade value. See Trade 7.
- Trade 5 is regretful, and that regret has been communicated.
- Trade 6 was purely strategic. DeVonta Smith was gonna get dropped anyway in order to pickup a Kicker from FA. Trading for the Kicker with best climate conditions the rest of the season was worth a stab.
- Trade 7 is mindboggling. Filthy can comment as he feels appropriate. Good intentions only break good hearts.
- Trade 8 was a carryover of Trade 7 communicated prior to.
- Trades 9 and 10 were complementary. Trade 9 made logical sense, but how the 7th overall draft pick with minor hip soreness gets dumped for a guy who fumbled twice the week prior and a WR3 off waivers in Trade 10 is staggering.
- Trade 11 makes some sense in meeting each other’s shortfalls. Time will tell.
- Trades 12 and 13 bound on rules violations of Amendment 3.4 HARA-KIRI of our Constitution. The whole point of the Vampire format is to fight to the bitter end. This will lead to new rules regarding this format. The Vampire currently gets the benefit of half his dues back if he ends up winning no games. However, selling off their players once the end is nigh obscures that benefit. Simultaneously, an eight-team playoffs this year doesn’t provide them much incentive to dwell in darkness.
The final point on these latest trades would be our draft lottery format. Despite your final standings, you need Wins to earn Lottery entries. You need to stick around and win as many games as you can, even in death. Another rule will be put in place to give the Vampire a minimal number of lottery entries despite the final outcome of the season. Anyhoo, #CommissionerProblems.
Season stats through Week 12 follow.
Strength of Schedule
Weekly Trends
Performance Scale
League Leaders (through Week 12)
QB – Coming Tua America (T. Tagovailoa MIA, 55.60 pts, Week 2)
RB – SKOLya’gain (J. Mixon CIN, 55.10 pts, Week 9)
WR – Lambeau Calrissian (S. Diggs BUF, 44.80 pts, Week 2)
TE – Lambeau Calrissian (T.J. Hockenson DET, 39.90 pts, Week 4)
K – Coming Tua America (T. Bass BUF, 26.00 pts, Week 11)
DEF – Brady Gaga (Buccaneers TB, 48.30 pts, Week 2)
LB – UWLtoDISNEY (D. Campbell GB, 23.80 pts, Week 7)
Single Game High Score – Brady Gaga (238.35 pts, Week 8)
The Lombardi Three 