The Bay State Patriot

Before they became the New England Patriots, this legendary ball club flew two other team flags – one more widely known than the other. The year was 1970, and it was a tumultuous one for the Boston Patriots. Their league, the upstart American Football League, and the National Football League merged to play their premier season together.

Since the Patriots first season in 1960, the team had played its home games in four different venues around Boston; Nickerson Field (1960-1962), Fenway Park (1963-1968), Boston College’s Alumni Stadium (1969), and Harvard Stadium (1970). Owner Billy Sullivan was quite zealous though and did not want his franchise to be the new NFL’s equivalent of a traveling circus. He wanted a permanent stadium for his club.

Despite several attempts, Boston’s city council was unwilling to help with financing a new stadium within the city’s borders, and after being rejected for the last time in 1970, Sullivan began looking for help outside the city. He found it in Foxborough, 20 miles southwest of Boston. The town was home to the Bay State Raceway and its owners donated some of their land to Sullivan in order to keep a professional football franchise in New England. In September 1970, the construction of Schaefer Stadium (later known as Foxboro Stadium) began and the team started playing on its new home turf in 1971.

With the Patriots leaving the City of Boston to settle in a suburban area, Sullivan wanted his franchise’s name to reflect a more regional influence and subsequently exact some revenge on the city council by taking “Boston” out of the team’s name. A new name was settled upon in February 1971 – the Bay State Patriots.

The team scheduled a press conference to announce the name and issued press releases (albeit in “Boston Patriots Football Club” envelopes). There were two problems – first, the NFL had not approved the name change yet and, second, the new moniker was already appearing in local newspaper headlines, unwittingly abbreviated as “B.S. Patriots.” The day Sullivan arrived for his inaugural press conference the front page of the local paper said, “B.S. Patriots to Hire Bell,” referring to the incoming general manager Upton Bell. Every writer in town was having a field day with this epithet – the bullshit Patriots.

Sullivan and the Patriots board of directors eventually agreed to change the name and on March 22, 1971, the New England Patriots were born.

Four years later, after an abysmal 3-11 season, approximately 35 miles away in Arlington, Massachusetts, a young, frustration-fueled Bill and his darling Carolyn dirty-danced in the davenport, christening one eventual champion’s indoctrination in to the game.

Enter 2012 and the Regal Beagles. Aka Holy Cross ’98.

Regal Beagles (2012-2013)

The year was 2012, the inaugural interval of our esteemed institution. Curated in mid-July, the original twelve teams included fantasy fledgling, the Regal Beagles, whose foray into fake football was ill-fated from the get-go. Following the Commissioner’s loquacious Week 4 email on Performance Indicators, the Beagles self-reported, “My team uncategorically blows. Onward to Week 5 and the forced march to mediocrity.” The Beagles cardinal campaign was just that, mediocre, kicked off by a league-leading 7-game losing streak, which resulted in a dead last finish at 2-14.

Earning the #2 draft pick in the following 2013 season, the Regal Beagles engineered some minor improvements and scraped together six wins in the regular season stretch. Unfortunately, they missed a playoff berth by one spot. With the top Tight End in the league in 2013, Jimmy Graham, the Regal Beagles would go on to win the Consolation Bracket, finish the season in 9^th place at 8-7, and successively take out their frustrations, quite violently, on the local Park Place tennis courts.

White Wes Welkers (2014-2017)

The 2014 and 2015 seasons represented a complete one-eighty and would end up being the best two seasons over this franchise’s full tenure. In 2014, the White Wes Welkers finally made their playoffs debut, finishing in 3^rd place at 10-6. The 2015 season saw similar results with WWW making another tournament run, only to come up short again in the semifinals. Welkers cashed out in 3^rd Place once more with a 9-7 record, led by the top Tight End in the league that year, Rob Gronkowski, and the league-leading Broncos Defense. Regardless of missing another title shot, this dude did have a penetrating grip on tight ends.

The 2016 and 2017 seasons were a far cry from the previous cycle. The Welkers never held a winning record during the 2016 campaign, ultimately missing the playoffs and finishing the season 6-9. The 2017 term included an eight seed playoff berth and a two-game playoff run, but ultimately concluded in a cashless 5^th place finish at 8-8. For the first time, this franchise had dipped in to the red, fiscally, and a young Connor would continue to endure years of Liam’s sullied, threadbare hand-me-downs. It would take six years to clamber out of this cranny, yield any positive financial gains, and buy momma something nice.

The Brady Bündchen (2018-2019)

Despite the benefit of the #1 draft pick this year, the 2018 regular season was much like the last, having barely made the playoffs by way of the 8 seed. Nevertheless, this year Brady Bündchen would win a very lucky matchup in the first round, knocking off the Regular Season champion, Davante’s Inferno, in route to the finals matchup. It was an up and down season for Brady, and his finals opponent, Reason to Kerrigan, was averaging a monstrous 185.75 points per week through the playoffs. Brady never stood a chance and was subsequently crushed by more than 47 points in the finals. He would go on to finish the season at 8-8.

In 2019, Brady Bündchen put up another 8-8 record and finished 5^th in the playoffs. This 5^th place finish would echo through the next two seasons.

Family Jules, Game of Jones (2020-2021)

On name changes four and five, team ownership was struggling to find an identity in a Bradyless era, and could not corral a competitive playoff run. The 2020-2021 seasons resulted in 6-10 and 9-7 finishes, respectively. Both seasons concluded with 5^th place finishes in an all-teams-make-the-playoffs format.

Brady Gaga (2022)

As if the last six seasons never ended, looped in some sort of Groundhog Day hallucination, Brady Gaga put together a 6-7 performance in the 2022 regular season and earned himself an all-too-familiar bottom(ish) seed in the playoffs. Although, buried underneath this sub-par record was the highest weekly output of the season in Week 8, at a monstrous 238.35 points, and an average win output of 168.14 points. So, you know what, fuck familiar.

Brady Gaga would go on to take down the #2 seed and only other league veteran yet to retain league hardware, SKOLya’gain. Sadly, SKOLya’ put up her second lowest output of the entire season, more than 30 points behind her season average. Brady then dismantled the 2020 League Champion, UWLtoDISNEY, in the semifinals by more than 41 points. In his second trip to the playoff finals, Brady would cruise past Hot Chubb Time Machine and his staff of shady trade proceeds by more than 51 points to earn the long, long awaited title of League Champion.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2022 Lombardi Three League Champion, and Bay State Patriot,

Brady Gaga.

Hardware will be hand-delivered to our League Champion sometime this February in Annapolis, Maryland. All team owners are invited to attend. Drinks on the League Commissioner.

(All N.E. Patriots loyalists can skip the remaining content.)

Other notable events in Patriots history:

1961: Leapergate (Boston Patriots fan vs. Dallas Texans)

1986: IRgate (Patriots falsified injury reports)

1982: Snowplowgate (Patriots cleared a spot for their kicker vs. Dolphins)

2001: Tuck Rule (Brady fumble vs. Raiders)*

2002: Original Spygate (Patriots videotaping vs. Rams)**

2007: Spygate II (Patriots videotaping vs. Jets)

2007: Safety Rodney Harrison caught using PEDs

2010: Linebacker Brandon Spikes caught using PEDs

2012: Defensive End Jermaine Cunningham caught using PEDs

2012: Running Back Brandon Boldin caught using PEDs