TL13

In the end, we are alone. And there is nothing but the cold, dark wasteland of eternity.

-Lestat de Lioncourt

 

Welcome to Season 13, our second season in hell.

This is our destiny. This is our opportunity to shake the bagel buttfog off our car seats. This is our opportunity to manifest this concept into reality. This is your destiny. Harness your internal karmic synergy, go west to that ethereal plane, tuck your cunt in, and prepare yourself for the ultimate lost boys orgy. You will be the Vampire, or you will be the vanquished.

Draft Lottery

I’ve been hanging from the chandeliers trying to figure out how to pull off this “Declaring Top Half or Bottom Half” Draft Lottery. I wanted to allow space for anonymity, but also full transparency into what direction league mates were leaning – that way we could adjust fire based on those declarations and give ourselves options. I couldn’t figure it out.

Luckily, we have professional problem-solver Doug “Diamond Dawg” Stamper on speed dial (Star, Sick, Fuck). He’s currently on hiatus from his equalitarian love interest, and nighttime accountant, Rachel “pro bone-o” Posner. I mean, how many times can you have standard street-squish read you A Tale of Two Cities while you have a 9 milly plugged in to her rib cage. Sometimes you need a break, right?

So here’s how he’s laid out the process. We are going to do the Draft Lottery like normal. When your number is picked, you are going to declare what draft position you want. It can be ANY available slot. First lottery draw can choose any slot – first overall pick, the Vampire, etc. Once that slot is filled, next lottery ball drawn gets to pick their slot, and so on, until the draft order is complete. We have one FNG this season, to be introduced imminently, that will not be participating in the lottery. He will be placed in whatever draft slot remains after the nine veteran teams complete the draft lottery and chose their draft position.

League Commissioner will be conducting the Draft Lottery Saturday, August 3. By the time most of you wake up Saturday you will know where you fell in the order. Over the weekend, each of you, in order, will declare what draft position you choose. We will do this through Sleeper chat and League Commissioner will MC. As draft picks are declared, Commissioner will post a table that shows the taken/available slots for the next team to declare, and so on. This is gonna be Slavic, Eastern European easy.

Draft Lottery entries updated below (for one guy really) based on the change in league membership.

 

Draft

Date is tentatively set for Sunday morning, August 25, at 0800 Central / 0900 Eastern / 1500 Germany HQ. We can’t do this over a weekday, because of the 6/7-hour time difference, and we don’t want to schedule this over the following holiday weekend. If there are any huge concerns with this time, contact the Commish.

 

FNG

Out with the old, in with the new. We dropped an Intel Chief, gained a Data Scientist. MyBoyBlu3 fucks. He’s played fake football and has received the codes to our satellites. He’s also been warned that we don’t fuck around, and any one of us will go Charlie Bronson on his ass at any moment. Also, he’s a Chiefs fan so he’s probably all “tortured poet” right now.

Props to departing DBA Vikings. He needs a couple more years to cut his teeth in the neighborhood leagues before re-joining this army of darkness. Skol.

 

Admin

Represent. Update those team names and logos. Unlock that “Team” shit in front of your name.

Hawk Tua! You know what to do. Shit’s fuckin’ gold.

 

Dues

League Dues were democratically increased to $125 this season. Pay your dues. Pay your dues. Pay your dues. You were told three times now.

That’s it. Gonna be a productive weekend.

Mad respect,

The Commish