At one point in my childhood there were two recalcitrant beagles in our house. If you need to know anything about this particular breed of crap factories, it’s that they will eat themselves to death, provided an unlimited supply of dry food. Look it up. It’s fucking heartbreaking.
One of these two nonconformists was a rescue and was only blessed with a handful of brain cells, none of which were ever talking to each other. Unfortunately, this made her gift of gluttony that much more grievous. One day, “the dumb one” got a hold of something half-edible and began to hoover up as much as she could as fast as possible dispatching an all too common, anatomical crisis. When this schnook was choking to death she would flop around and kick her legs like she was drowning. Shit was hilarious.
Best part to this chronicle, is that her wiser, more provident playmate would immediately seize this opportunity to throw her a good ole-fashioned face-fucking in these spells of enfeeblement. Our heightened laughter would promptly pivot to dejected dispiritedness and a swift reminder that her only four-legged friend was a real buddy fucker. RIP to both of these love bugs.
Week 1 Ball Gazers
Well, we officially have a buddy fucker this year. Oily Heart Breakers, whatever the fuck that name means, went 14 for 16 in Week 1 and locked up that min requirement for the rest of us going forward. Don’t fret though, we all did surprisingly well and are hovering at or above the min 70% mark. If you don’t know why that’s relevant, you aren’t paying attention. New guy can already recite the Constitution back to me. Just sayin’.
Here’s how Week 1 played out.
- We were all locked in tight on the Dolphins, Saints, and Seahawks. Gimmes.
- None of us had the Steelers over the Falcons. We all got it wrong, but still too early to comment.
- LockingTriState was the only guy to pick the Cardinals over the Bills at home. That crap, along with the Falcons hit, lost him a Bench Swap. Good. Feels like he gets one every year.
- Brotherly Shovers was the only crew to pick the Colts. WTF? Ironically the Vamp was also the only guy that had the Patriots winning one, on the road. WTF Bengals?
- Lastly, Tua was the only crew to pick the Browns over the Cowboys. Let him know what you think about this pick. Do your worst, cuz he did.
Get those Week 2 submissions out. I already got one from Oily. He told me he wants a threesome with Don Shula and Bo Derek.
Yes. You should be scared.
The Lombardi Three 