In 1979, Bo Derek was cast in the film, 10. If you haven’t seen it, 10 was a rom-com for its day about that drunk Dudley Moore burning through a midlife crisis. The plot of the movie isn’t all that remarkable but there’s this famous beach scene where Bo Derek runs slow-motion down the beach in a wet, flesh-colored swimsuit. Check it out here. Bo Derek was a perfect 10 and this scene completely encapsulates Coming Tua America’s week.

Let’s get this out of the way first. Week 2 Ball Gazers results are as follows.

Perfect 16-0

Coming Tua America

14-2

Bagel Time

13-3

Davante’s Inferno

Filthydelphia

Hot Chubb Time Machine

Lockin UWL

SKOLya’gain

12-4

Family Jules

11-5

Glass is Half Fuller

Team wren

0-16

Operation Warp Speed

Wanted Dez or Alive

Count ‘em…1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 Bench Swaps earned this week. Bench Swap Log has been updated. All you had to do was pick the odds favorites this week and you would have finished 14-2. It hasn’t happened like that in a long while. I gotta say, of the 13-3s, three teams were saved by the Falcons/Cowboys finale that shouldn’t have ended the way it did. I’m not going to get in to that onside kick and the eleven professional athletes that all botched their jobs at the exact same moment in time, but I’ve never seen anything like that in football.

Let’s get back to Coming Tua America’s beach boner. He was one of the only outfits NOT to bombard me with texts Sunday and Monday, bragging about their weekend success. Choosing the odds favorites is not a skill in high demand. Yes the Rams were +1.5 against the Eagles at home, but every damn one of us picked the Rams so I don’t consider that a stretch in any form. Tua was one of only a few squads to pick the Raiders and Colts, bucking Vegas odds, and securing the first ever perfect Lombardi Ball Gazer. A fitting achievement for the only Dolphins fan in our league. And really the only Dolphins fan I know and, shit, the only Dolphins fan I have ever met. Either way, Big Don Shula ‘72 would be proud. Next time I’m in one of his steakhouses, that Ball Gazer form is going on the wall.

In honor of Tua’s accomplishment I introduce the following.

Here ye, here ye, by order of The Lombardi Three Commissioner the following 2020 Constitutional Amendments have been written into law.

13.5.5 – The Shula Rule: Any team owner that correctly picks all 16 games is eligible to earn an additional Bench Swap if there are still weeks remaining for Ball Gazer submissions. All other Bench Swap and Ball Gazer amendments apply.

13.5.6 – The Bo Derek:  Any team owner that correctly picks all 16 games earns an additional 16-point bonus option they can add to any regular season matchup of their choosing. This bonus is applied one time to the weekly total, administered by the League Manager. This bonus can only be used at the conclusion of an active week prior to the start of the next week. Once a new week has started, a team owner may not go back and exercise this bonus for a previous week.

Stretch those hammies, cuz there are still six teams that can earn a Bench Swap in Week 3, including Coming Tua America. The benchmark is locked in at 13 correct picks, or 14 for those two squads that haven’t participated yet. For the other six of us that earned a Bench Swap this week, that’s the max you can earn this year so a Week 3 submission only comes with bragging rights or secondary confirmation that Week 2 was a fluke.

All earned Bench Swaps are active as of today and can be used to adjust Week 2 results. They must be exercised prior to the start of the Thursday night matchup.

Week 2 results are as follows.

We’ll get back around to talking football and the Week 2 bloodbath in the next post.

The Commish

Looks like we have a vigilante in our midst.

It’s already Week 2 and we never bid adieu to our darling agent provocateur and fourth highest winning program in league history. Unfortunately, our little hellion is bound to larger obligations this year and wholeheartedly doubts our ship will sail past its fifth port of call. Five weeks is pretty pessimistic, even for that mischief-maker, but you gotta respect the call. One of you is getting booted next season when she wants to come back. That’s not a threat (Team wren). Till then, be cool Honey Bunny.

Trouble Hunter out. Hot Chubb in.

Some of you guys already know Sweatpants Mike, aka Sweatpants Tactical, from our annual boys weekend outings. He enters his rookie campaign with our holy church group as Hot Chubb Time Machine. Maybe he can use that time machine of his to go back and put Slayton and Edmonds on his roster. That Hot Flubb cost him 35.40 points and five wins – the difference of starting the season 10-1, and 5-6. Welcome to the congregation bozo.

Week 1 results are as follows. Every single player showed up for Filthy. Then there was the rest of us. This is how we gonna do until the playoffs.

Week 1 Ball Gazers results are as follows. Good showing overall, but no one hit pay dirt. We were all 86’d by the same three games as none of us picked the Jaguars (over Colts), Cardinals (over 49ers), or Rams (over Cowboys) to win.

12-4
Bagel Time

11-5
Davante’s Inferno
Lockin UWL

9-7
Hot Chubb Time Machine
SKOLya’gain

8-8
Family Jules
Filthydelphia
Glass is Half Fuller

7-9
Coming Tua America

0-12
Operation Warp Speed
Team wren
Wanted Dez or Alive

Some other WTF moments:

• Consensus locks on the Chiefs, Bills, and Steelers. We all had our heads on straight there – even though Big Ben Berger Belly looked like he hadn’t played organized sports since the 1990s. He was honored at halftime as the oldest 38-year-old, unregistered sex offender in the league.
• Glass is Half Fuller and SKOLya’gain were the only two squads to think the Dolphins would beat the Patriots. Project Runway Cam or not, Billy “Butcher” Belichick and The Spice Girls don’t lose home openers.
• Bagel Time and SKOLya’gain were the only two squads to correctly pick the Washington Football Team over the Filthy Trash Birds. Haskins’ professional future is still unilaterally undetermined after that game.
• Family Jules and Filthydelphia were the only two squads that thought the Bengals would beat the Chargers. SMH
• Family Jules and SKOLya’gain were the only two squads that thought Tampa Tommy would beat the Saints at home, which clearly means that SKOLya’ hates that shortstack Brees more than she hates TB12. She is still hot over that 2010 NFC Championship game and the Bountygate that followed. Of note, despite his offseason position in the matter, Brees appeared to kneel during the national anthem. This was fake news. He was simply standing next to Michael Thomas. That’s the best I got. Fuck you Drew.
• SKOLya’gain was mentioned a lot here, but she was the only squad to correctly pick the Bears over the Lions. I don’t know what else to say. Both of those teams looked like dump trucks ablaze slamming in to each other. I guess we all drank the Kool-Aid on the Lions and Stafford having some great season.
• Last but definitely not least, Coming Tua America was the only squad to incorrectly pick the Browns over the Ravens, and the Broncos over Titans! What the holy fuck?!?

Next week’s forms are up. Go get those 13 picks you bad motherfuckers. And seriously, Team wren, fix your fucking face.

 

Don’t forget, the 2020 Ball Gazer forms are up. See the Bench Swaps page for everything you need to know. This is the only week I am babysitting. As usual, my liberal policies apply, so as long as you text or email me your Thursday picks before game time, you can submit your forms for the rest of the games prior to kickoff Sunday.

Also, Goodell called and said that he’s prepared to handle whatever curveballs C19 throws at us this year – schedule wise. He anticipates some curveballs, canceled games, etc., therefore you should too.

We’re gonna do this. There’s no backing out now.

In Trading Places, the film that put Eddie Murphy on Hollywood’s map, these Zeta Chi dickheads enjoying G&Ts at the Heritage Club sang about what a huge slut Constance Fry was in college. This was also known as the whitest moment in film history. Anyhoo, as a tribute to this film, Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy reprised their Trading Places characters in small roles as homeless men that Prince Akeem gives money to in another one of  Eddie Murphy’s huge films from the ‘80s, Coming to America.

So the hint was about the huge slut in our league, Coming Tua America (formerly Guns N Rosens, formerly Tannehill for President). The whole movie title thing was just a coincidence. There you go. The winner of the 2020 #1 draft pick is…

Coming Tua America

…will be announced by these assholes tomorrow.

(this hint is only one layer deep guys)

I updated the League Dues page to include options for Venmo, Cashapp, and ApplePay to submit your annual donations.

NO FUCKING PAYPAL

I thought PayPal was like the hotmail of payment apps. PayPal was around before “apps” existed. Venmo is preferred for our little outlays. Do me a solid and download the FREE app. Take 30 seconds out of your day Reggie.

NO FUCKING PAYPAL

We’re in good shape for draft lottery tonight. The shamefest worked as intended. Like I always say, “a little abuse goes a long way.”  Thanks to everyone who met the bare minimum qualifications to play. Keep up the average effort.

It’s time for our preseason shamefest. Each year we call out the unprincipled degenerates who haven’t paid their dues, haven’t joined the league, and/or haven’t communicated with the League Manager. We have five teams who have qualified for this year’s abashment. By ranking of disrepute (least useful to most useless):

#5 – SKOLya’gain is paid up, but no action on ESPN (she’s on the computer all fucking day).

#4 – The Brady Bundchen is also paid up, but no action on ESPN. I’m sure he’s stuck in a convoluted vision quest of unknown cerebral magnitude dealing with the inescapable reality of having to abandon the “Brady” moniker.

#3 – Christian’s Brothers has not paid his dues, no action on ESPN, but he did answer a text. For a three-time league runner-up, the commitment factor is flabby and ineffectual. Plus that guaranteed #3 pick is at risk.

#2 – UnLockin Yo Schtuff has not paid dues, no action on ESPN, no comms. He’s a league veteran though, so he gets bumped a notch down from the #1 spot. And to be fair, the Commish hasn’t reached out.

#1 – The Whiteshadow has not paid dues, no go on ESPN, and no comms despite multiple texts. League Manager has the Pentagon posturing for cautious optimism of elusive manifestation to come.

Honorable Mention – Team Edwards. This team name sucks…wait a minute…this is fucking brilliant. Touché my friend. Hail to the Washington Football Team. Dude still needs to pony up his dues.

Footnote – Wanted Dez or Alive is dry country on the dues again. He wasn’t born to follow. It’s his life. No apologies for living in sin. Have a nice day.

I’m closing registration close of business tomorrow, Wednesday, August 26, so we can do the draft lottery the next evening. We have eight teams booked, and will play with eight if we must.

The following highlighted shithouses are at risk of losing their guaranteed draft position and participation in to the lottery.

Quick tip on the new ESPN platform: when setting up your team name, it requires two separate inputs for Team Name and Location (stupid). Not only are they both character limited, but both fields must be filled in. Most of you have figured it out by just splitting up your team name, but if your team name is only one word (e.g., Filthydelphia) I have a workaround. It doesn’t accept a blank space in the field, but you can use alt codes.

• For Windows users, hold the Alt key and type 255 and it should accept a blank space.
• For Mac users, hold the Alt/Option key and then click the space bar and it should accept a blank space. This has already been fixed for Filthydelphia.

Thursday night we’ll talk Hot Chubb and announce the #1 draft pick. Stay tuned.

What’s this? An ESPN Fantasy Football invite??

You’re damn right it is. That shit’s legit. Get signed up. I’ll explain more in a bit.

Us early pioneers cut our teeth on ESPN back in the day. Most of us are too young to have come up in “Bill the Gill” Winkenbach’s Oakland rumpus room, birthplace of the inaugural fantasy football league called the GOPPPL (Greater Oakland Professional Pigskin Prognosticators League). That league consisted of eight members, made up of administrative affiliates of the AFL, pro football journalists, and 1963 Raiders season ticket holders. Each roster consisted of the following in the GOPPPL: two quarterbacks, four halfbacks, two fullbacks, four offensive ends, two kick/punt returners, two field goal kickers, two defensive backs/linebackers and two defensive linemen. The current GOPPPL roster now includes two quarterbacks, four halfbacks, six wide receivers/tight ends, two kickers, two defensive backs, one return team, and a bonus pick for any position. In 2012, the GOPPPL celebrated its 50th season and it still maintains its touchdown-only scoring heritage to this day.

Throughout the 70’s and 80’s various amalgamations of fantasy football leagues were born in basements and sports bars across the country including the Indoor Football League (IFL) in Cleveland, the Rotisserie Sports Fantasy Football League in Atlanta, and Grandstand Sports Services, which launched the first nationally available fantasy football league online through Q-Link (later known as America Online).

It wasn’t until 1997 that CBS launched the beta version of the first publicly available free fantasy football website. Within three years, all major sports media websites launched competing fantasy football hosting sites, including ESPN.

Seeing as how The Lombardi Three is entering it’s ninth year, we aren’t too far separated from the rise of the 21^st century online fantasy footballer. Many of us grew up playing in CBS, YAHOO, and ESPN leagues. We’ve changed before, and will change again. And in these turbulent, uncertain times, we need to flex our capacity to improvise, adapt, and overcome.

So why ESPN this year?

First off, we should be asking ourselves why we are even hosting the league this year at all. A.) We are all bored to tears and desperate for any semblance of sports and unabashed competition. B.) We know that the NFL is a multi-billion dollar business, and Fantasy Football is now the single most important marketing tool for the NFL. It will do everything in its power to have a season. If baseball and basketball can do it, so will football. So why not accept a little chaos and enjoy Pope Lombardi’s annual communion.

The fact is, roster management is going to be our biggest issue this year. Players are going to get sick, and will miss two to three weeks through quarantine. An average of three players per MLB team tested positive for COVID-19 when they reported for the start of the baseball season. Football teams are twice as big, so it could mean nearly 200 positive cases once players report, if that rate is any indication.

This season our rosters are gonna be very colorful, and the waiver pool will likely get really thin. Some NFL players have already opted out of the season, or have indicated they plan on doing so, including Todd Gurley who seems to be considering sitting this year out. With Training Camp scheduled to start this Tuesday, July 28, the NFL has set next Saturday, August 1 as the deadline to opt in or out.

If you aren’t already aware, there are NO PRESEASON games, so the NFL season officially begins on Week 1 – Thursday, September 10. This will be significant for those rookies you want to get a look at ahead of the draft. Which is a little bit of a crusher, because 2020 was supposed to be an amazing rookie class.

Ok, so why ESPN?

Well, here’s the only real reason. ESPN is the only mainstream league that has the TQB position, or Team Quarterback. This TQB position was the key factor in my attempt to help us counter these roster management issues this season. I was hoping to be able to add one or two other “TEAM” roster positions, but this is the only one available, and I think it is more than worth the switch to ESPN for our 2020 season.

The TQB position basically means that you are guaranteed to have somebody starting every game. If Mahomes or Jackson test positive Sunday morning, you won’t have to scramble for their backup or drop someone on your roster. You will be safe because you drafted the CHIEFS TQB, or the RAVENS TQB, respectively. No matter who is playing QB for that “TEAM” on your roster, you get the total QB points, even if two or even three different quarterbacks play in that game.  This could be especially interesting for teams like the Saints who like to use multiple QBs during the game. The Eagles, Patriots, Dolphins, Chargers, and Raiders are all in a good position to experiment with this offensive strategy in 2020. In essence, this twist to our roster could theoretically boost the TQB value.

ROSTERS and SCORING

The QB Roster position changed to TQB. Already covered above.

I removed one WR slot, from three to two. This should open up the WR pool a little bit this season with 12 fewer desirable WRs sucked up on over-staffed rosters.

I removed the 25-point freebie for the DEF position. That shit got out of control last season and we don’t really do big bonuses in any other position. I didn’t completely kill it, but it’s now set at:

• +10 points – for 0 points allowed
• +7 points – for 1-6 points allowed
• +5 points – for 7-13 points allowed
• +0 points – for 14+ points allowed

I added the Head Coach (HC) position to our roster.  I saw this as an option and couldn’t help myself. It’s no big deal though. This just basically means you have to pick a HC each week for a team that you think is gonna win their game. That’s it. The only points associated with this roster spot are:

• +5 points – Team Win
• -5 points – Team Loss

*There is a small trick to this position, should you find yourself in a bind.

The FLEX position doesn’t specifically indicate on your roster, but this means RB/WR/TE. Same as every year.

DRAFT LOTTERY and DRAFT DAY

The Draft Lottery will take place some time in the next few weeks. Based on last season’s results, the following draft order is in place pre-lottery for the overall #1 draft pick. Once the overall #1 draft pick is chosen from the ‘random drawing’ group, the order resets to fill the empty position.

Draft Day is currently set for Thursday, September 3 at 7pm. If this is an issue for anyone, let me know early so I can adjust. I’d like to do it at least one week prior to the start of the season.

LEAGUE DUES

I am no longer doing PayPal for dues. Fuck PayPal. I fully boycott that shitpile for reasons you don’t need to know. We’re on Venmo now. See the League Dues page for payment options. Dues remain the same at $50 per outfit. The deadline for League Dues is currently fifteen (15) calendar days prior to draft day, or Wednesday, August 19.  Per the Constitution, any team that fails to pay their League Dues by the prescribed deadline outlined by the League Manager will be ejected from any fixed draft position and will not be allowed to participate in the draft lottery for first overall pick. Said derelict(s) will be repositioned at the bottom of the draft lineup.

REGULAR SEASON SCHEDULE

We are gonna do the same thing we did last year. It just worked. We are playing a 12-week regular season again this year under the Points Table format. Regular season and playoff standings will be determined by your head-to-head record had you played each team in the league, each week. As a reminder, if you score the most points in the league in Week 1, your Week 1 record would be 11-0, meaning you would have beaten each of the other 11 teams in the league. The next highest scorer would be 10-1, and so on. After 12 weeks, the total of each weekly record determines your playoff standings.

Playoff competition returns to the standard head-to-head format. Same as last year, we will all be competing in a 12-team playoffs over four weeks (Weeks 13-16) with the top four teams on BYE in Week 13. So no matter how your season ends up under this Points Table format, you still have a shot at the title.

BENCH SWAPS

Bench Swaps are back! The first three weeks are gonna be so fucking chaotic, I can’t see anyone pulling this off anyway. I’ll send weekly reminders and update the Bench Swaps page with the weekly forms prior to the start of the season. All normal rules apply. However, under the Points Table format, all you will really be doing is adjusting your Total Points higher. This could move you up a couple spots in the weekly totals, but isn’t going to flip a head-to-head loss to a win like in seasons past. Remember, under the Points Table format during the regular season, the head-to-head matchups don’t really matter. They will come in to play with playoff seeding if there is a tie, but how could you really predict that by the end of the season you are going to have the exact same fractional total as the team you are going to use this regular season bench swap on. Maybe after Week 12, but that’s as statistically likely as…

 

CLOSING

I’ve talked to a few team owners already about playing this season and the consensus has been to just accept whatever happens. We’re practiced now at dealing with five months of full-on societal idiocy, so we can certainly deal with some half-baked fantasy madness. Short of a cancelled season, in which I will return everyone’s dues, we are going to just have to accept that some wild shit’s gonna go down – entire teams could get sick, and one or more games could be cancelled as a result. We’ll deal with things as they come up and do our best to manage, but every team owner needs to accept any shortfalls. None of us are doctors, disease experts, or privy to the NFL’s plans for the season. We’re just fantasy footballers about to embark on one of the strangest seasons ever.