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Week 3 Gazers was abysmal. We’re averaging less than 50% over the last two weeks. The worst prognosticators in Week 2, had the best results in Week 3, so go figure.

• We all missed the Giants, Broncos, Rams, and Commanders picks. None of us rolled the dice on these clowns. Three of these should have been slam dunk home games for the eventual losers.
• We all landed the Chiefs and Bills matches. Those were gimmes though. GTFO Kirk Cousins – we all know you put ketchup on your steak. Kirk is that dude in your office who’s perfectly nice and hasn’t done anything wrong, but for some reason, you just fucking hate him.
• The Mayetrix was the only squad to throw the Pats a bone, on the road, against the Jets. Mad respect on the loyalty though. These so-called Packers fans in our league have been bettin’ against their boys.
• Tua was the only squad to get the Panthers pick right, on the road, against the Raiders. GTFO Gardner Minshew. I take that back. I want so much for Uncle Rico. Dude lifts in nothing but a jock strap.
• Lastly, Taco was the only squad to throw the Dolphins a vote, on the road, against Seattle. Who wants to tell him what happened to that left-handed bandit Tan Marino*?

———-

Week 4 Gazer Forms are up on the site. Pay the $10. Submit your picks.

Or buy something cool with that ten bucks, like a copy of Con Air on DVD (great fuckin’ flick), or 500 “For Rectal Use Only” stickers. Looking at these matchups, it is not an easy week.

———-

Other than a lot of trade activity, it feels like it’s been a sluggish start to the season. Scores are low. Lots of injuries. And the league standings don’t really reflect much yet.

• Looking at our three-week averages, there’s less than a 14-point difference between us. Not counting the Vampire obviously.
• The Mayetrix is the only undefeated club still standing. Though they picked up a VERY lucky win in Week 1. Every one of us would have beat him. He’s also faced the least amount of Points Against by a mile.
• SKOLya’ is the only non-Vampire winless club. Although, a VERY weak Bench Swap was used against her in Week 1 after she would have beaten all but two of us. Ironically, she’s faced the 4th most Points Against.

As always, this just comes down to who is luckier each week, and we have no control over any of this.

Peace.

 

At one point in my childhood there were two recalcitrant beagles in our house. If you need to know anything about this particular breed of crap factories, it’s that they will eat themselves to death, provided an unlimited supply of dry food. Look it up. It’s fucking heartbreaking.

One of these two nonconformists was a rescue and was only blessed with a handful of brain cells, none of which were ever talking to each other. Unfortunately, this made her gift of gluttony that much more grievous. One day, “the dumb one” got a hold of something half-edible and began to hoover up as much as she could as fast as possible dispatching an all too common, anatomical crisis. When this schnook was choking to death she would flop around and kick her legs like she was drowning. Shit was hilarious.

Best part to this chronicle, is that her wiser, more provident playmate would immediately seize this opportunity to throw her a good ole-fashioned face-fucking in these spells of enfeeblement. Our heightened laughter would promptly pivot to dejected dispiritedness and a swift reminder that her only four-legged friend was a real buddy fucker. RIP to both of these love bugs.

 

Week 1 Ball Gazers

Well, we officially have a buddy fucker this year. Oily Heart Breakers, whatever the fuck that name means, went 14 for 16 in Week 1 and locked up that min requirement for the rest of us going forward. Don’t fret though, we all did surprisingly well and are hovering at or above the min 70% mark. If you don’t know why that’s relevant, you aren’t paying attention. New guy can already recite the Constitution back to me. Just sayin’.

Here’s how Week 1 played out.

• We were all locked in tight on the Dolphins, Saints, and Seahawks. Gimmes.
• None of us had the Steelers over the Falcons. We all got it wrong, but still too early to comment.
• LockingTriState was the only guy to pick the Cardinals over the Bills at home. That crap, along with the Falcons hit, lost him a Bench Swap. Good. Feels like he gets one every year.
• Brotherly Shovers was the only crew to pick the Colts. WTF? Ironically the Vamp was also the only guy that had the Patriots winning one, on the road. WTF Bengals?
• Lastly, Tua was the only crew to pick the Browns over the Cowboys. Let him know what you think about this pick. Do your worst, cuz he did.

Get those Week 2 submissions out. I already got one from Oily. He told me he wants a threesome with Don Shula and Bo Derek.

Yes.  You should be scared.

GAZERS and SWAPS

Ball Gazer forms are up. You know the rules. If not, check the Constitution (2.1 and 2.2). We may talk later about buying a 4^th week like we did last year.

 

TEAM LOCKS

I attempted to turn the waiver wire off for all non-Vampire teams, but this turned off your ability to propose trades and drop players from over-staffed rosters (looking at you Tua). I’m gonna take your training wheels off so we can still perform these other functions, but fair warning, any non-Vampire team caught using the free agent pool during the first five weeks, regardless of roster status, will be fined one lottery entry and the transaction will be automatically reversed by the League Commissioner.

Following the conclusion of Week 5, waivers will be activated, and non-Vampire teams will have access to free agents.

 

TIEBREAKERS

My notes from last season included a bullet about clearing up how we determine tiebreakers. At the end of the regular season, when two or more teams have similar
W-L records, tiebreakers will be determined by head-to-head records across the group. Using the three ties from the end of the regular season last year, the following playoff ranks would have been updated accordingly.

One caveat to this – Bench Swap wins do NOT count towards tiebreakers. The Constitution (3.2) has been updated to reflect.

 

SEASON SCHEDULE

If you haven’t noticed, we fixed the season schedule. Another leftover bullet from last season. We are playing 14 weeks of regular season, with a 3-week playoffs through Week 17. Technically, this is already covered in our own Constitution (1.3).

 

WEEKLY SCHEDULE and PLAYOFFS

The matchups in Weeks 1-14 have been updated. Similar to the last time we played the Vampire format, the top five draft picks will be the five teams to play the Vampire twice this season. The schedule will be manually set to play those games the first five and last five weeks of the regular season. Please read and understand the Constitution (1.4.3.3) regarding “protection” options for these five teams.

Only the top eight teams make the playoffs this year. The bottom two teams will still play each week through the playoffs as losing teams get folded into the consolation bracket.

 

THEME

Notice the theme here?  You should read the TL3 Constitution. There’s good shit in there. Good luck bozo.

In the end, we are alone. And there is nothing but the cold, dark wasteland of eternity.

-Lestat de Lioncourt

 

Welcome to Season 13, our second season in hell.

This is our destiny. This is our opportunity to shake the bagel buttfog off our car seats. This is our opportunity to manifest this concept into reality. This is your destiny. Harness your internal karmic synergy, go west to that ethereal plane, tuck your cunt in, and prepare yourself for the ultimate lost boys orgy. You will be the Vampire, or you will be the vanquished.

Draft Lottery

I’ve been hanging from the chandeliers trying to figure out how to pull off this “Declaring Top Half or Bottom Half” Draft Lottery. I wanted to allow space for anonymity, but also full transparency into what direction league mates were leaning – that way we could adjust fire based on those declarations and give ourselves options. I couldn’t figure it out.

Luckily, we have professional problem-solver Doug “Diamond Dawg” Stamper on speed dial (Star, Sick, Fuck). He’s currently on hiatus from his equalitarian love interest, and nighttime accountant, Rachel “pro bone-o” Posner. I mean, how many times can you have standard street-squish read you A Tale of Two Cities while you have a 9 milly plugged in to her rib cage. Sometimes you need a break, right?

So here’s how he’s laid out the process. We are going to do the Draft Lottery like normal. When your number is picked, you are going to declare what draft position you want. It can be ANY available slot. First lottery draw can choose any slot – first overall pick, the Vampire, etc. Once that slot is filled, next lottery ball drawn gets to pick their slot, and so on, until the draft order is complete. We have one FNG this season, to be introduced imminently, that will not be participating in the lottery. He will be placed in whatever draft slot remains after the nine veteran teams complete the draft lottery and chose their draft position.

League Commissioner will be conducting the Draft Lottery Saturday, August 3. By the time most of you wake up Saturday you will know where you fell in the order. Over the weekend, each of you, in order, will declare what draft position you choose. We will do this through Sleeper chat and League Commissioner will MC. As draft picks are declared, Commissioner will post a table that shows the taken/available slots for the next team to declare, and so on. This is gonna be Slavic, Eastern European easy.

Draft Lottery entries updated below (for one guy really) based on the change in league membership.

 

Draft

Date is tentatively set for Sunday morning, August 25, at 0800 Central / 0900 Eastern / 1500 Germany HQ. We can’t do this over a weekday, because of the 6/7-hour time difference, and we don’t want to schedule this over the following holiday weekend. If there are any huge concerns with this time, contact the Commish.

 

FNG

Out with the old, in with the new. We dropped an Intel Chief, gained a Data Scientist. MyBoyBlu3 fucks. He’s played fake football and has received the codes to our satellites. He’s also been warned that we don’t fuck around, and any one of us will go Charlie Bronson on his ass at any moment. Also, he’s a Chiefs fan so he’s probably all “tortured poet” right now.

Props to departing DBA Vikings. He needs a couple more years to cut his teeth in the neighborhood leagues before re-joining this army of darkness. Skol.

 

Admin

Represent. Update those team names and logos. Unlock that “Team” shit in front of your name.

Hawk Tua! You know what to do. Shit’s fuckin’ gold.

 

Dues

League Dues were democratically increased to $125 this season. Pay your dues. Pay your dues. Pay your dues. You were told three times now.

That’s it. Gonna be a productive weekend.

Mad respect,

The Commish

The survey results are in…

First things first, we only received nine responses to our survey.  One of our FNGs from last season has bowed out of future play. Admittedly, it was a bit of a stretch bringing a guy with only one year of faux football under his belt into our tangled labyrinth. He needs a few more seasons in the wild to cut his teeth before reenlisting in to our hermetic hodgepodge of hired guns. He has a lifetime pass at our pool parties though, so don’t fuck with him at the door. More to come on the TL3 rolodex and his replacement.

Working backwards…

Q3:  Dues will be raised to $125 this season. Seemed to be somewhat of a consensus. Additionally, per the responses below, the last week of the Regular Season was modified to Week 14, with the Playoffs starting in Week 15. Responses below.

Q2:  Results of this question were pretty lopsided. However, per the results of next season’s format, we will not implement this option. It would not work under the 2024 format.

Q1:  I’m proud of you guys.

We are playing our 13th season under the Vampire format!

This means each of us will have to declare which half of the Draft Lottery we are participating in. Per the Constitution, the Draft Lottery will be split into two (2) separate drafts – one for the 1st overall pick (Top Half Draft), and one for the 10th overall pick, or Vampire position (Bottom Half Draft). Each team owner will declare which half of the draft order they want to participate in when they pay their dues.

Scenario 1:  Those of you who do not want to risk being the Vampire can declare for the Top Half Draft. We will take all of your earned lottery entries and conduct a typical drawing for first overall pick, second overall pick, and so on.

Scenario 2:  Those teams that want to be the Vampire can declare for the Bottom Half Draft. We will take all of your earned lottery entries and conduct a typical drawing. The very first pick will be the Vampire. Therefore, if you want to apply your draft capital to earn the role of Vampire, this is a strategy. The remaining picks will fall in line behind the Top Half Draft Results.

Scenario 3:  If only one team declares for the Bottom Half Draft, they are automatically the Vampire.

Scenario 4:  If no teams declare for the Bottom Half Draft, we are all at risk. We will conduct the Draft Lottery like normal and the last (10th) team drafted will be the Vampire.

Reminder on your Draft Lottery entries below. This will be adjusted slightly prior to the lotteries to account for the loss/gain of league member. This year’s FNG will draft last (9th) and not participate in the lottery.

Read the Constitution on how the Draft and Regular Season are conducted under the Vampire format.

Survey results below, to include ranked choice value.

Q0:  This decision was the result of unsolicited responses. We are getting rid of the LB position. Commish is still toying with if/what we replace the position with – and leaning towards just removing the slot. We need to make sure we take this year’s Vampire format in to consideration. We are right in that sweet spot with the Vampire format, and adding an additional WR, RB, TE, or FLEX to the draft/rosters could hinder their ability to compete.

It’s that time of year. We need to set the terms and conditions for the 2024 season. Per the Constitution, we vote on League Format and any changes.

Link to Google Forms survey below.

click —->>> SURVEY <<<—-click

 

Q1:  League Format

There are four formats available for the 2024 season. We are doing ranked choice voting on the format, and each team must go in and rank their preferred format. Non-participants in the survey will lose a draft lottery pick. If there is a tiebreaker to be determined, the 2023 League Champion’s votes will count twice.

1. Head-to-Head – This is the typical format we played under last year. Sleeper still doesn’t allow for 10-team playoffs, but they did add a Consolation Bracket.
2. Points Table – This is the format we have used a few times where each week we play against every team during the regular season.
3. Vampire – This is the 9-team draft format where the Vampire doesn’t draft but can take a player from you if he wins your weekly matchup. This is our 13^th season, and a very opportune time to play under this format.
4. TD-Only – This is the old-school format I alluded to last season. Could be fun to try something new, something old. This would require a more thoughtful draft strategy.

At a minimum, read the Constitution for the terms on each format. You could/should do some of your own homework too…

 

Q2:  Extra Game Each Week Against League Median

On Sleeper, they offer the option of adding a 2nd matchup each regular-season week of play. The Commissioner can enable an ‘Extra Game Each Week Against League Median’ in the settings. This option allows the top scoring teams of the week to gain an additional win, while the other half gets hit with a loss. The purpose is to help create a fairer option for those times where you finish in the top half of scoring, but you still lost to someone who scored more than you. You would at least go 1-1 for the week instead of 0-1.

How is League Median calculated?

League Median is calculated by taking the average of the middle two teams’ scores for that specific week. For example, in a 10-team league, if the 5th highest-scoring team of the week scored 178.54 points and the 6th-highest scoring team scored 170.48 points, the league median would be 174.51.

178.54 + 170.48 = 349.02

Now, divided by 2 = 174.51

This way, there would not be a case where 6 teams were above and 4 teams were below. League Median is used for the regular season only and will not be used in any playoff or consolation matches.

Could be worth trying. This basically gets after what we were trying to do with the Points Table format. If we hate it mid-season, we’ll kill the setting and (hopefully) everything will just revert back to normal.

 

Q3:  League Dues

That Bagel Time C.R.E.A.M. cheese must have scrambled his brain, cuz ma’dude wants to up the ante. I guess we gotta keep up with inflation.

click —->>> SURVEY <<<—-click

 

Details on Draft Lottery, Draft Date, and results from League Survey coming soon. Right now just VOTE!

Our first Deutsch term is in the books. Lots to cover in our final post including a 2024 draft lottery preview and a new league format option for next year. First, we feast.

…on bagels that is.

2023 League Champion

There’s really not much to say. But that doesn’t mean we’re not impressed or interested to speak further on the topic. It means there’s just nothing more to add that we don’t already know. It means we have a secure home with Sleeper and, finally, a very effective, active message board. It means Bagel Time has already blessed us with an appraisal of his second championship season. And our previous assessments have shown that he had this in the bag the whole time. And no TE from Iowa, or Stanford RB, was gonna change it. There were no lucky wins or tough losses, by TL3 standards. No Bench Swaps for or against, and no blow-out high scores. Dude is well-bred and has been meticulously fine-tuning his game since 2012. He now has the highest net earnings in league history.

Our 2023 Lombardi Three League Champion

Bagel Time

 

New League Format

I am adding a new format option for next season – the very old-school, traditional TD-only format. Under this scheme, points would mimic the NFL, that’s it. No yards, no sacks, no bonuses, no PPR, no score tuning. See available points below. Under this format we would eliminate the LB position, and potentially add another WR slot. This would significantly flex our draft muscle.

Scoring

Passing TD 4-6 pts (TBD – but true to format would be 6 pts)

Rushing/Receiving TD 6 pts

Two-point conversion 2 pts

Def TD 6 pts

Safety 2 pts

Field Goal 3 pts

Extra Point 1 pt

 

Ranked Choice Voting (RCV)

While you chew on this new format option in the off-season, please also meditate on voting under a ranked choice system. Per the Constitution, we will vote again on league format, but for each of our votes we will rank the available formats in order of preference. For example:

AJ Villain

1. TD-only
2. Vampire
3. Head-to-Head
4. Points Table

More to come on this format in the fall.

 

League History

The results of our 2023 season have been etched in stone and borne to the top of Lombardi Mountain by The Quadfather, Algiers Jameal William Dillon Jr., where it will be guarded for eternity by the Minister of Defense himself, Reginald Howard White. *Click on images to open full-sized in new browser tab.

 

2023 League Leaders

QB – Coming Tua ‘Merica (C. Stroud HOU, 56.50 pts, Week 9)

RB – Bagel Time (C. McCaffrey SF, 48.70 pts, Week 4)

WR – Filthydelphia (J. Chase CIN, 52.20 pts, Week 5)

TE – Password Is Taco (T. Kelce SF, 35.90 pts, Week 7)

K – Bagel Time (B. Aubrey DAL, 24.40 pts, Week 14)

DEF – Password Is Taco (Cowboys DAL, 61.40 pts, Week 1)

LB – Password Is Taco (F. Oluokun JAX, 21.90 pts, Week 7)

Single Game High Score – AJ Villain (233.85 pts, Week 3)

Win Record (Tied) – Bagel Time, Hot Chubb Time Machine (11-5)

Trademaster General (Tied) – LockingTriState, Hot Chubb Time Machine (4 trades)

 

2024 Draft Lottery / Bench Swaps

Looking ahead, the 2024 Draft Lottery entries are reflected below. There are also four teams going into the season with Bench Swaps in their back pockets. Swaps can be traded in for +3 additional lottery entries.

 

Closing Thoughts

I will continue to push Sleeper for a 10-team playoffs. There was talk of increasing the dues – by our money winner Big Bagel Bucks coincidentally, but still worth discussing. I will shore up the tiebreaker rules in the Constitution, the playoff schedule through Week 17, and the new formats and voting structure. As always, send me your thoughts and players.

Cheers to another hard-fought season.

Come visit Germany! There’s always plenty of Helles and Maultaschen.

-The Commish

K-Dub with the win! Includes a much needed lottery pick for next season. 

A fortnight ago I pimped out a proposition to protract the regular season program one more week. You may have picked up on the passionate pronouncements throughout the hood proudly promoting, “one more week, one more week!” Most of us were pleased as punch about the proposal.

You should know, there were a few things going on that prompted this quite provocative proffer.

• SKOLya’ and I got tangled up in a semi-retarded family league this year (one of the team names is just HORSES), managed by a mixed salad of midwest mamalukes that have neither played fantasy football before, nor do they convey a strong absorption of the gridiron. (In contrast to us obsessive degenerates, to be fair.) We both discerned, “sure, we’ll jump in to your little crapwagon,” as all indications pointed to this being a bloodbath for a couple of hardened vets such as ourselves. It goes without saying, they made all the mistakes a virgin league like this one would make over their debut season, including scheduling the playoffs all the way through the end of the NFL season in to Week 18 – sacrilege for any weathered institution. While I stayed pretty hands off (belieee’dat), I had slipped in a few salubrious suggestions along the way to shunt any serious setbacks. I recently ceded a critical consultation on the traditional Week 16 finals to avoid the possibility of NFL teams resting star players in the final week of the regular season, and how the NFL’s expansion of the season to 18 weeks in 2021 shifted that logic to the right another week, etc., etc. Shit we all have a significant handle on. Point 1 – we adjusted the season schedule in our other league, henceforth providing some influence over our own situation.
• Point 2 – I received dozens o’ DMs this season either disapproving, deploring, dissenting, lamenting, or repenting over the querulous quality and quantity of exchange proposals from our Trademaster General, Hot Chubb Time Machine. This once refreshing ascension from our traditionally bearish acquisition style, was starting to wear down the populace. I pondered, who better to fuck with right now than the guy who was sitting on the #1 seed and still drilling for oil in our backyards. A poll was posted. This election festered swiftly and harnessed the havoc it was intended to. After a few hours of this, I DM’d most of you separately and disclosed that I wasn’t changing anything at this point in the season, I was just taking a crack at tormenting our tormenter. Hope all involved found it enjoyable!
• Last and final point, Point 3 – I wholeheartedly wanted to play another week of fantasy football this year. If we had garnered enough genuine consensus on the matter, I would have implemented this revision to our structure in season. Cuz’ this shit is going to be corrected next season. Technically, it’s already covered in our own rules.
  • 1.3. LEAGUE SCHEDULE – The regular season league schedule of weekly matchups will be randomized by the online platform being utilized to manage the league, unless otherwise noted by the League Commissioner. The total number of weeks played will be one (1) less than the NFL regular season. The number of regular season and playoff weeks played will be based on the league format enacted each season.

The back-and-forth on this pseudo survey did generate some challenges around our tiebreaker rules. Fact is, we don’t really have any. The constitutional language brought forward in our chatroom was specifically about league format, not tiebreakers. All it says is that our standings are based on the weekly head-to-head matchups over the regular season, nothing about what happens if there is a tie in those standings. As you know, Sleeper uses Total Points as a tiebreaker. There is no league setting to adjust that, which is why we did it manually last season. Yes, last year we did manually tweak the playoff standings based on some tiebreaker calculations we whipped up. Problem is, we never implemented that tiebreaker calculation in to our league doctrine and, until this came up again last week, I hadn’t thought about it. However, this tiebreaker calculation will be added to the Constitution in the off season, barring any objections.

Now to the fun part – the what ifs.

CURRENT SLEEPER RANKINGS:  Here’s a generic snapshot of the current playoff bracket, with two league veterans set in the finals matchup next week, one of which will be doubling-up on league hardware.

ALT RANKINGS 1:  If we had manually calculated tiebreakers and adjusted the standings, like what we did last year, this would have shifted the results slightly. One of our FNGs would be in the finals mix, with no impact to one of our veterans.

ALT RANKINGS 2:  Here’s where the salt rubs the wound. Had we gone ahead and played that additional week, the regular season standings actually wouldn’t have changed drastically, and the Regular Season Champion would have retained that title, but that first week of the playoffs (this week) would have dramatically altered where we are at today. The top four seeds would have advanced.

Staffed with a Tier 1 Tight End or not, Bagel Time slides through the playoffs under all three scenarios. Only one of these scenarios has Belichick’s Ballers even in the playoffs, much less in the finals matchup for the second year in a row in line for our first ever back-to-back championship. I guess fortune favors the fortunate.

 

League Leaders (through Week 15)

QB – Coming Tua ‘Merica (C. Stroud HOU, 56.50 pts, Week 9)

RB – Bagel Time (C. McCaffrey SF, 48.70 pts, Week 4)

WR – Filthydelphia (J. Chase CIN, 52.20 pts, Week 5)

TE – Password Is Taco (T. Kelce SF, 35.90 pts, Week 7)

K – Bagel Time (B. Aubrey DAL, 24.40 pts, Week 14)

DEF – Password Is Taco (Cowboys DAL, 61.40 pts, Week 1)

LB – Password Is Taco (F. Oluokun JAX, 21.90 pts, Week 7)

Single Game High Score – AJ Villain (233.85 pts, Week 3)

 

 

HORSES

Lifetime Stats: 5-9

Fan Club President:  B. T. McCutcheon

 

German is hard. But we’re gonna learn this sheise together. And there is no more valuable source of European and German knowledge on this earth than Clark Wilhelm Griswold Jr.

The Week Sechs (6) sitrep follows for you pre-game reading pleasure.

 

Strength of Schedule

The Points Against really tells the story here. SKOLya’ has been absolutely decimated by her schedule so far this year. The next closest opponent faced 81.60 points less in competition on the season. The spread is 240.05 points compared to AJ Villain, the team that has faced the lightest competition to date. Weeks 2 and 5 were killer for our league vet. She’d be in 4^th place under our Points Table format. There are 3 teams that would be 0-6 had they faced her schedule. One of our 3-3 outfits would be 1-5.

There is a setting in Sleeper that has us play one extra game each week against the league median. Results go towards our overall standings. It’s kind of a hybrid between traditional Head-to-Head and our Points Table format. I think I wanna do this next year.

Points Table

 

Performance Scale

 

Weekly Trends

 

League Leaders (through Week 6)

QB – SKOLya’gain (J. Allen BUF, 47.70 pts, Week 4)

RB – Bagel Time (C. McCaffrey SF, 48.70 pts, Week 4)

WR – Filthydelphia (J. Chase CIN, 52.20 pts, Week 5)

TE – LockingTriState (G. Kittle SF, 27.70 pts, Week 5)

K – LockingTriState (J. Elliott PHI, 19.80 pts, Week 4)

DEF – Password Is Taco (Cowboys DAL, 61.40 pts, Week 1)

LB – Bagel Time (B. Wagner SEA, 17.00 pts, Week 4)

Single Game High Score – AJ Villain (233.85 pts, Week 3)