Ball Gazer Results for 2016 have been posted to the Bench Swaps page. Each of the three weeks had one team missing the cut by a single game, with a notable Week 1 by RGIII’s Company at 13-3. Let’s not lose sight though of how much he sucked thereafter. Especially impressive, Schoolya’gain led the bunch with an average of double-digit (+10) successful picks each week. Take the value of that and add $3, and she can get herself a nice bowl of soup. The Whiteshadow couldn’t manage to break the .500 mark in the first two outings, so he must have wiped his ass with week three’s form. Tannehill for President and Bagel Time also stunk it up, but they keep expectations low to stay off of anyone’s lodestar. Don’t worry boys, no one noticed.

In summary, there are no winners this season. Till next year.

A copy of the results has been provided below with accompanying legend.

We may have a winner. As it stands there is one team that is sitting at 11-4 with the Monday night game to go. Pick: Saints. There are currently two teams with Bench Swaps in their back pockets (carried over from previous seasons). If you don’t want to face a third team with the unrelenting ability to chop off your head this season, I’d don that A-Town black and red tonight, break out the chicken-n-beer, put on some Ludacris, pour some O’E’ 800 on the block, give a big shout out to Buckhead, where old money lives and new money parties, and pray to the Falcon gods!

Or beseech Mr. Falcon himself, Tommy Nobis. In November 1965, Nobis became the first player drafted by the expansion Atlanta Falcons. The Houston Oilers also selected him in the AFL draft. This presented a dilemma and sparked a debate that reached as far as outer space when astronaut Frank Borman, aboard Gemini 7, talked back to earth with the message, “tell Nobis to sign with Houston.” (Borman’s sons were ball boys for the Oilers.) Nobis instead signed with Atlanta on December 14 and became the first member of the Atlanta Falcons, gaining the nickname “Mr. Falcon.”

Nobis holds an NFL record for 294 tackles and 12 interceptions in a rookie season. In eleven professional seasons he led the Falcons in tackles nine times, went to five Pro Bowls, was named All-Pro twice and was chosen for the NFL’s “All-Decade Team” for the 1960s. Beyond that, good luck trying to figure out Nobis’s true impact, because the stat lines aren’t really out there. The NFL didn’t start recording sacks for individual players until 1982, and his tackle numbers are lost to time. Probably why he is not in the NFL Hall of Fame today. Though you can mount a fair and reasonable case that he’s the greatest player Atlanta has ever known.

The rest of us are 86’d so on to this week’s results (minus tonight’s matchup)…

11-4
Trouble Hunter

10-5
Schoolya’gain

8-7
Bagel Time
IJamAllDay
White Wes Welkers

7-8
Air Jordy
Eastside Forty-Ounces
Lake Hickory Swallops
Reason to Kerrigan

6-9
Tannehill for President

5-10
RGIII’s Company
Unlockin Yo Schtuff
Wanted Dez or Alive

1-14
The Whiteshadow

Highlights: The Packers, Dolphins and Panthers were consensus picks – including Teddy B’s bae, Schoolya’gain, betting against her victorious Vikings. The only two teams to correctly pick the Bills were the two girls in our league – also the top two finishers this week. Unlockin Yo Schtuff and Wanted Dez or Alive were the only two teams to pick the 49ers over the Seahawks – and subsequently finish dead last. Yes, The Whiteshadow finished at 1-14 but he was also 100%. He only picked the Thursday night game. Lake Hickory Swallops was the only team that correctly picked the Eagles to win, but he also picked every home game with the exception of the Bills and Patriots, so there’s that. Lastly, RGIII’s Company was the only squad to throw the Bears a bone.

According to Jason Diamond of Rolling Stone, in the last decade, there has possibly been no bigger destroyer of football dreams than Jay Cuter of the Chicago Bears. Check out this article.

Thanks for your Ball Gazer participation this season ladies and gentleman. I for one am glad this shit is over.

Go Falcons!

Full disclosure – no one made the cut, so the following audit does not include the two Monday night games.

I have to say – not a bad showing, even though we were all nixed by the conclusion of the 1pm games with the exception of this week’s best in show, RGIII’s Company. Our two-time league champ had picked every game except the Bucs, Lions and Patriots. He had to wait out the late game last night to see if he was still in it. Oh wait, our champ lives in California. The late game is only punishment for the rest of us.

Ironically, the one and only team to pick the Patriots to win the late game was the only guy to ever drop $99.99 on the Bill Belichick Business School VHS catalog, White Wes Welkers. Seriously brochacho, no one picked the Pats to win. That has got to feel good.

On to the results:

11-3
RGIII’s Company

10-4
Air Jordy

9-5
Reason to Kerrigan
Schoolya’gain
White Wes Welkers

8-6
Eastside Forty-Ounces
IJamAllDay
Lake Hickory Swallops

7-7
Bagel Time
Tannehill for President
The Whiteshadow
Trouble Hunter
Unlockin Yo Schtuff

6-8
Wanted Dez or Alive

Highlights:
The only 2 teams to pick the Broncos to beat the Panthers were RGII’s Company and Reason to Kerrigan. Eastside Forty-Ounces was the only team to not pick the Browns to lose. The fuck? Schoolya’gain was the only team that hoped the Chargers would win. Pro tip honeybun (i.e., mansplaining) – just because you drafted Philip Rivers, picking the Chargers to win on your Ball Gazer form will not positively influence his in-game performance. The only two winners that everyone was sure of were the Packers and Seahawks. Schoolya’gain on the highlight reel again with the solo Lions pick (probably has their LB or something). Nice job though boo. As for the Monday night games, the picks are varied. Go Skins!