Tag: SKOLya’gain

The final week of our seventh season is upon us. This time next week, there will be a new champion. A fitting final as our league has, still, never had a #1 or #2 seed win the championship. What can I say? The masses love an underdog, and they have a special fondness for the expiration of their corporate overlord.

This will be the third time in our seven years that the #6 and # 8 seeds faceoff, and the fifth time the #6 seed gets a shot at the title, however, the #6 seeds are 1-3 in the last four title matches.

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Reason to Kerrigan (#6) enters the finals on a hot streak averaging 188.30 points per contest. This is tremendous considering our weekly output hit a new low each of the last three weeks. As a league, we hit bottom in Week 15 at a measly 1,703.30 points. This is our lowest output of the last 95 weeks. You’d have to go back to 2012 to find a collective performance this low.

It seems RTK was the only team immune from this lack of production across the league. He blew through the #3 and #2 seeds and set a new single-game WR record in Week 14 when Amari Cooper put up 49.70 points on 10 catches for 217 yards and 3 TDs.

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The Brady Bundchen (#8) sneaks in to the finals averaging 148.43 points in the playoffs, and a steady 148.31 through the last seven weeks. He squeaked by the #1 seed in the final one minute and seventeen seconds of Week 14 when Dalvin Cook scored a meaningless, garbage-time TD late Monday night in Minnesota’s loss to Seattle. Davante’s Inferno squandered his third straight #1 spot in the first week of the playoffs putting up his lowest output of the season by more than 16 points. (insert tiny violin)

The Brady’s met the season average in Week 15 to knock out Trouble Hunter (#5), but little did he know that Bagel Time gifted him a boon of Monday night bounty (and laterally jinxed his lady friend) by texting psalms and salutations before the results were in. Bagel Time texts are the fantasy football kiss of death. He voodoo’d and hoodoo’d his own team all season with his bullshit premature digital ejaculations. The way things look, TBB will need some black magic to compete with RTK, so text away Bagel – I’ll send you Brady’s number.

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PAYDAY

The League Dues table has been updated to show the current locks on cash. Bagel Time is the only team left with a chance to cash on wins. BYE weeks do not count towards your win %. We set this standard at the conclusion of the 2016 season. See the PAYDAY post.

That said, anywhere from 4 to 11 more wins will be added to the Wins column at the conclusion of Week 16. As we add Wins to the column, this eats away at the % of Remaining for bonuses. I have included what the Playoff Champ Bonus will be based on each potential scenario.

4: Bagel Time loses. The other 4 teams in the playoffs will add a single win to their totals. (Playoff Champion Bonus = $176)

11: Bagel Time wins. We add all 8 of Bagel Time’s wins to the total, plus the other 3 winners in the playoffs add a single win to their totals. (Playoff Champion Bonus = $166)

So, for those of you already in the cash on Wins or a Bonus, you are kinda rooting for Bagel Time to lose. #DrawbridgeUp

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NIT

I don’t know what you four are seeing online, but once again, I see no ‘consolation brackets’ via Yahoo. Not really sure what I’m doing wrong here. Either way, I’ve become really proficient at counting and drawing little brackets offline, so here you go. With the results that close in Week 15, Tanny and Filthy will have to sweat it a couple more hours as Stat Corrections trickle in. #PuckerUp

Christian’s Brothers (#9) is one of the best teams in the league and his season has been nothing short of tragic. He is averaging 195.53 points per over the last two weeks, and a league-leading 182.08 over the last six weeks. He’s won 5 straight over this same span and STILL didn’t make the playoffs. Had his schedule been a hair different, he could easily be one game short of perfect on the season and a lock in the playoff finals. This has got to be the biggest calamity, the baddest beat, the utmost misfortune I’ve ever seen go down in all our years of this fantasy fatuity. We have to fix this, and I have an idea how.

Next season will be filled with terms like “rotisserie” and “points table” and “12-team playoffs” and “protection clause.” More to come…

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League Leaders (Including Playoffs)

QB – Tannehill4President (Jared Goff, 53.95 points, Week 4)
WR – Reason to Kerrigan (Amari Cooper, 49.70 points, Week 14)
RB – Christian’s Brothers (Christian McCaffrey, 43.70 points, Week 12)
TE – Trouble Hunter (Zach Ertz, 40.50 points, Week 10)
K (TIE) – The Brady Bundchen (Stephen Gostkowski, 22.00 points, Week 6) and Davante’s Inferno (Ka’imi Fairbairn, 22.00 points, Week 15)
DEF – SKOLya’gain (Baltimore, 61.50 points, Week 6)
LB – Reason to Kerrigan (Bobby Wagner, 31.45 points, Week 13)
Single Game – Reason to Kerrigan (234.30 points, Week 8)
Win Streak (TIE) – Davante’s inferno (+5 Weeks 5-9) and Wanted Dez or Alive (+5 Weeks 5-9) and Whitey Ford’s Team (+5 Weeks 10-14)

No chicken dinners this year. We had two squads with a glint of fortune going in to the 4:00 games, and Reason to Kerrigan was still full of optimism heading in to the Sunday night matchup, but lost his bid to the promised land when the Lions and Matt Patricia embarrassed the Patriots. Patricia and Belichick did still exchange the customary thanksgiving dinner hug after the game. 

Ball Gazer Results (15 games)

10-5

Reason to Kerrigan

9-6

Davante’s Inferno, Unlockin’ Yo Schtuff

8-7

Bagel Time, SKOLya’gain, Trouble Hunter

7-8

Tannehill4President, Whitey Ford’s Team

6-9

The Brady Bundchen

5-10

Filthadelphia

0-15

Christian’s Brothers, Wanted Dez or Alive

Of note:

• Only Reason to Kerrigan and The Brady Bundchen correctly picked the Skins over the NFL Officials Packers
• Whitey Ford’s Team was the only gazer eying the Colts to upset the SB champs in Philly on the day Wentz returns to action – not really sure what the rest of us were so confident about, but…
• No one in the world, including our little commune, picked the Bills to beat the purple piss out of the Vikings at home – and why am I reading the Rochester Democrat & Chronicle this morning trying to figure this out – and who the hell is Josh Allen (Wyoming?)
• I’m not naming names, but I can’t believe three of you picked that soggy pile of toilet paper, Eli Manning, and the Giants to win on the road
• The Brady Bundchen was the only gazer to correctly pick the Titans over the Jags
• We all got the Chiefs pick right – and with that unregistered sex-offender Garoppolo down, I can already see Kap kneeling on the 49er sideline
• We all got the Bears pick right – wait, Filthadelphia picked the Cardinals, but it looks like he filled the entire form out wrong (you’re supposed to check the box next to the team you think is going to win)
• We all got the Lions pick wrong – is it the weak-ass AFC East that keeps us picking the Pats week after week?

Please don’t take management’s drills on participation personally. I’m critical because I care. I’m also really bored with the cloyed week-to-week nature of most of our fantasy football habiliments. So to incentivize us further I offer the following Constitutional amendment to our Ball Gazer rubrics. This new amendment awards participation and provides an alternate opportunity to earn a Bench Swap, outside of the current rule set, for high-performing Ball Gazers. The 70% benchmark is based on getting at least 11 picks correct, on average, over each of the three weeks. This cumulative percentage was only achieved once throughout our tenure (last season by Trouble Hunter), so this is no turkey shoot.

13.5.4 – Sonic Tents:  At the conclusion of Week 3, any team that has not already earned a Bench Swap, but has correctly picked 70% of the winners over the first three weeks of the regular season earns a Bench Swap. All three weeks of Ball Gazer submissions must be accounted for in order to qualify.

A consolidated table of 2018 Results is below. Till next year Gazers…

Ball Gazer Results (first 14 games)

9-4-1

Davante’s Inferno, Reason to Kerrigan

8-5-1

Bagel Time

7-6-1

SKOLya’gain, Trouble Hunter, Whitey Ford’s Team

6-7-1

Unlockin’ Yo Schtuff, The Brady Bundchen

5-8-1

Tannehill4President

0-14

Christian’s Brothers, Filthadelphia, Wanted Dez or Alive

 

Between the Falcons, Saints, and Titans, we were all busted by Miller Time on Sunday. Of note:

• SKOLya’gain was the only gazer that thought the Bills would win on the road, led by camo-hat humper Sean McDermott, their mayo-salad trio of “country-strong” quarterbacks, and an NFL assembly line of failed wideouts. WTF J?

• All of us incorrectly picked the Saints over the Bucs. *This upset squashed 182 teams in my Survivor League (approximately 28% of this coalition of degenerate gamblers = $3,640). This game was the surest lock in Vegas. For Fitzpatrick and the Bucs to put up 48 in Week 1 was undeniably absurd. Fitz threw for four TDs and even added a rushing TD to his stat sheet. He was the second leading rusher on the team. The Bucs punted once…one time the entire game. WTF New Orleans?

• We all correctly picked the Packers to win – duh. A game that will go down as another legendary performance on the resume of the GOAT – Aaron Charles Rodgers. Dude hobbled around on one leg the entire second half and surgically ripped the Bears defense apart. He deserves every penny of his contract, as well as Head Coach Mike McCarthy’s paycheck and the entire Offensive Line’s paychecks. WTF Gutekunst?

 

 

• The Steelers and Browns tied – which means none of us get credit for it. WTF klutch?

A Tie is not a win. Additionally, this was addressed last season in the league Constitution when we encountered an unscheduled Week 1 BYE in Miami due to weather. History almost repeated itself yesterday with the Titans-Dolphins weather delays. We have already modified the language in the Constitution to defer to a Win % (in lieu of number of wins) if such an instance like postponed games, or a Tie, occurs.

Keep a weather eye out this weekend as Hurricane Flo rolls on to the east coast. Tampa Bay, Jacksonville, and Atlanta are all at home. Should be interesting. If any of those games are postponed, I will update win percentage requirements and send a note out on expectations.

• I only received 9 out of 12 Week 1 Ball Gazer submissions.

This will be addressed via Constitutional Amendment. At the beginning of the season, we did a roll call to engage owner’s intent and encourage maximum commitment. Do know, that there are a handful of very active fantasy owners chomping at the bit to play in our league. As league commissioner, I already think there is an undesirable level of league vivacity (trades, communication, participation). If this is just another league in your annual fantasy portfolio, that’s cool, but please assess your level of investment. In the meantime, as League Commissioner, I enact the following Constitutional Amendment, applicable at the conclusion of Week 2.

13.5.3 – Spicoli:  No shirt, no shoes, no dice. Any team that does not participate in the previous week’s Ball Gazer submission does not receive the advantage of Amendment 13.5.1 – Shrinking Balls. For the next week’s submission, the previously non-participating team will be obligated to meet the previous week’s win requirements. This penalty will carry over to the final week until participation is realized. Learn it, know it, live it.

Final Notes:

In the spirit of Constitutional Amendments, I realized this year that there are some unspoken rules of the game, that apparently need to be vocalized.

We traditionally drafted on Labor Day weekend over the years to gain maximum insight and avoid any issues with preseason injuries, roster cuts, team trades, etc. Most importantly, to avoid injuries. However, drafting over Labor Day interrupted many owners vacation and travel plans. To address that, we decided to accept some risk and do the draft a week earlier, typically after the conclusion of Preseason Week 3.

Over the years I have played fantasy football, if a drafted player gets injured during preseason play, the team owner has courtesy rights to that player’s backup or handcuff, if and only if that player is still a free agent. This is a civil courtesy we extend to each other, to counter the risk in early drafting, and to keep the league competitive at the start of the season. Once the regular season begins, it is survival of the fittest. Until then, let’s keep this competitive and fair. As League Commissioner I enact the following Constitutional Amendment.

18.1 – Courtesy Flush:  If any drafted player is injured during preseason play, and will miss a significant amount of time (minimum 3 weeks), the owner of the injured player has first right of refusal on that player’s undrafted backup or handcuff. This amendment is void during regular season play.

Til’ Thursday then. Keep your ear to the grindstone and keep an umbrella on you.

-The Commish